The Nanny
by Clear Plastic
Summary: Bella's thirty and struggling to get a job. When she drunkenly stumbles onto Edward Cullen's doorstep, he mistakes her for a full-time nanny and hires her. But there's two problems: Bella falls hard for Edward and she's the nanny of 8 kids who hate her.
1. The One With All The Beer

**THE NANNY**

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**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything/anyone you might recognize, this fic is strictly written for entertainment purposes, and no copyright infringement is intended AT ALL.

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**Title: **The Nanny

**Summary: **Bella is thirty and struggling to find a job, and when she drunkenly stumbles upon Edward Cullen's doorstep, he mistakes her for a nanny and hires her. The only problem is that Edward Cullen has eight kids, each of them setting out from the start to make her job as hard as possible. Hilarity ensured!

**Storytype: **AU, All Human, OOC

**Point Of View: **Bella Swan

**Genre: **Romance/Humor/General

**Rating: **Fiction rated T

**Warnings: **Mild coarse language, mild sexual references, slight violence.

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**_Chapter One: The One With All The Beer_**

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Whoa. This is just… bad. Really, really bad. On a scale of one to ten I'd probably rate today as… a minus twenty-two. And it's not like I have really high standards.

'Would you please... reconsider?' I tried to keep the pleading note out of my voice, but I was practically begging now. I had probably been to twenty interviews today and I was still unemployed.

'I'm sorry, but you just don't fit my requirements.' the repulsive Mr. Albright smirked, bits of egg dangling precariously off the edge of his moustache. He was a beefy guy, with little neck and a balding spot on his head which he had covered with a truly horrifying comb over. I blame Donald Trump.

'What kind of requirements do you need to work in a paperclip distributor??' I exclaimed indignantly. Yes, I really was that desperate for a job. I've tried for the most bizarre jobs ever, and bad luck seems to follow me wherever I go. I've been to interviews for dog walkers, babysitters, shop assistants, fortune cookie writer, odd job journalist, and so much more. And now I'm so desperate I'm actually begging to work at a paperclip distributor, for God's sake.

Mr. Albright narrowed his eyes. 'I'm sorry, Isabella, but I've no need for any other employees here at my very _successful_ business.'

I slumped down in my chair, sitting opposite of Mr. Albright, who was so large that he seemed rather squashed behind his desk, and his stomach was drooping out obscenely.

'Thanks,' I muttered, and stood up to leave, feeling utterly depressed.

'Take this complimentary box of paperclips, then.' Mr. Albright tossed me a small plastic box, and I caught it swiftly, exiting his small, cramped office. I stepped out onto a pavement, and started walking back home, sighing all the way.

What on earth is wrong with me? Do I have the words 'DO NOT EMPLOY' stamped on my chest, or something? Who knew it was so hard to get a job after you've been fired? My mood soured even more when I thought of my previous job. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I quit. The reason? My "boss" had reached around me when I was typing some shit and stuck his tongue in my ear. Needless to say, I kicked him where the sun don't shine and left him groaning on the floor as I left the building.

The flat me and Alice shared together was a few blocks away, and my mood dampened even further when I thought of telling Alice the bad news. She was the one who had gone through millions of Classifieds everyday just to help me.

Don't give up yet, Bella. There might be still hope.

I surreptitiously passed by a small pub tucked between a noisy video shop and a hairdressers and eyed the pub wistfully. A sudden craving for a cold, hard glass of beer rose within me. The thing was, I wasn't very good at holding down my liquor. In fact, I was terrible at it. I usually avoided anything even slightly alcoholic at all costs. The consequences usually doubled in my case. Like I got a hangover twice as agonizing.

I shot the door of the bar another look.

Well, maybe just this once…

--

Two hours later, and I was stone cold drunk, dancing on the bar with a beer bottle in my hands, taking occasional swigs. 'Whoo!' I screamed. There wasn't much people in the bar, I was probably the only one making any unnecessary noise. I danced along to the Spice Girl's 'Wannabe', gyrating my hips. 'I'm king of the world!' several people tittered.

'Keep it down, lady,' the bartender shushed, frowning.

'I don't need to keep it down! I'm thirty, I'm hot and I'm having fun tonight-- WHOA!' I slipped and fell on the ground face-first. Scattered applause congratulated me, along with several whoops of 'Nice ass!'.

Ouch. Ugh.

I felt my cell phone buzz in my pocket, and I let out a loud groan before answering it. It was a very worried Alice. 'Hmploo??' I mumbled into the mouthpiece, picking myself up.

'BELLA!' Alice's voice exploded. I winced and held the phone away. I could still hear Alice shrieking. 'BELLA! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?? IT'S TEN AND YOU AREN'T BACK YET!'

'I'm in Germany,' I mumbled. 'Hold your thongs, I'm coming back…' I staggered up, trying to hold myself steady. My head swam uncontrollably. 'Ugh…' I moaned. 'Goodbye, boys… see you laterrrr…' I waved, and stumbled out. Oh, God, that's the last time I ever drink that heavily again…

I squinted in the sudden darkness. Since when was night this gloomy? No one was on the street where I was. Hmm. Where was I, again? Somewhere… here…

The ground was shaking like a Tilt-A-Whirl below my feet, and my arms reached out to steady myself. I clutched onto a lamp post, groaning. Jesus. I really, really need a taxi… I scanned the road for any yellow cabs, but for some stupid reason there wasn't a single cab around. 'Hello??' my voice reverberated throughout the whole street. Creepy.

I walked along unsteadily for a few more blocks, stopping every once so often to catch my breath. Building by building passed by, and I assumed that it was possibly midnight already. The moon was glimmering behind a thin film of clouds, and it cast an eerie glow all over the (empty) streets. I had absolutely no idea where I was. Should I call Alice now? Nah, I'd probably get yelled at again…

I passed by a row of large, neat houses. Houses? Where was I? These were huge, three-storeys high with an actual garden to boot. Could I possibly stay over at one of them for one night? Alice would probably murder me to an inch of my pathetic life. My head gave an agonizing throb, and I pushed open the gate of a random house with one of their lights still on. I leaned against the door and started knocking. 'Open up, please!' I yelled out, desperately needing a toilet, and right on cue my bladder gave a twinge.

The door abruptly opened, and I stumbled inside, blinking against the sudden bright light. Oh God, it was killing me. I shielded my eyes against the fluorescent gleam, and peered. Even in my total state of drunkenness, I could see that the person who had just opened the door was a complete GOD. His bright, bronze tousled hair was glinting in the light, and his warm brown eyes were staring down at me, concerned. I couldn't help but notice that his thin white cotton shirt seemed to have lost it's top three buttons, and it was showcasing quite a delicious amount of chest. Um.

'I'm sorry, I--' I hurriedly stuttered an apology. This was such a bad idea…

'Are you the new nanny?' he asked, a voice as velvety as… erm, velvet. Being drunk did nothing to assist my brain, it seemed.

'What?'

'Great, I've been waiting for you for hours.' he sighed, clearly relieved, and closed the door firmly. The hall I had just stumbled into was neatly furnished. 'Come along now, your bed's waiting for you upstairs. You start work the day after tomorrow.'

'Wait, I'm not--' I stopped myself. 'Bed?'

'Yes, bed, third floor, next to the twin's bedroom. You've been here before, you obviously know where it is…' Edward led me up a flight of staircases. I stared after him, trying to find the words to explain this man what predicament I was in.

Well...

Stop it now, Bella, before you get stuck in a shitty situation. Like that time I almost burned me and Alice's flat down because I was fiddling around with a small lighter. Or like that time I accidentally knocked down Rosalie's porcelain vase that belonged to her great, great-grandmother. Which reminds me, it wasn't until I knocked it down then Alice, Rosalie and me found out that it contained Rosalie's great, great-grandmother, too. She was vacuuming her carpet for weeks.

Or maybe, just one night. I really, really need a bed, anyhow.

'I'm Edward Cullen, but you can call me Edward.' Edward turned and smiled. I nearly fell down the stairs in shock; I had never seen anyone with this level of astonishing beauty. Why wasn't he on the cover of GQ? Damnit, he was prettier than me!

'What's your name, by the way?'

'I'm Bella.' at least I managed to remember my name.

'Well, Bella, I hope you enjoy your new job as our nanny.

'Yes, well.' I managed to say. The strap of my purse was cutting into my shoulder, and I just wanted to lie down and never wake up.

'The kids are asleep for now, you'll be taking care of them tomorrow. I have everything tacked up in your room, all you need to do is read them and you'll be good to go.' Edward told me, and I nodded along, not sure what he was talking about. I pictured a soft, snuggly bed in my head, and let out a soft sigh, bones already aching with fatigue.

'Here…' Edward (God, I love his name) opened up a door opposite of the stairs, and I walked into a simply amazing room. If this was where nannies sleep, then sign me up. It was even better than my current room! The bed was particularly eye-catching, it was four-poster with multicolored drapes dangling from them. The room was sparsely decorated, with a small dresser beside the bed, a writing table and a large wardrobe. And it had wall-to-wall carpeting. Wall-to-wall carpeting!!

'I hope you like it. Get some sleep -- you look utterly spent. The kids won't be here tomorrow, they're over at their mother's. They'll be here the day after tomorrow, so I'll give you the day off tomorrow. Where's your clothes?' he asked curiously, surveying my empty hands.

'I, um…' I fished around for something plausible to say. 'I lost them in a terrible fire.'

He stared, startled.

'Or maybe I'll just bring them in tomorrow.'

'Okay.' Edward nodded. 'Well, good night.'

'G'night.' I all but collapsed on the bed, barely removing my pointy boots. Oh, this is pure heaven. And to think a sex god is sleeping in the same building as me.

I can deal with everything else tomorrow.

--

Oh, my God. This is torturous. My head was pounding like a drum. My eyes were gummed together and I had to rub furiously to get them open. My limbs were aching and my skin was dry. Ouch. Where was I, again? It seemed like I was asking myself that question very frequently, recently. I tried to remember what had happened last night, but all I came up with was a total blank.

I looked around me, and nothing seemed familiar. Large room, elegant furnishings. Fear gripped me. Was I kidnapped? Was I raped yesterday? I let out a small scream and fell off the bed. 'Mmpgh,'

My cell phone vibrated somewhere, and I groggily plucked it from my pocket, answering it, not even bothering to check the screen. 'Hellogh?'

'Bella!' Alice cried with relief. 'You're alive!'

'Yeah,' I confirmed. 'Don't ask me where I am, I have no idea myself.'

Alice started laughing weakly. 'Typical Bella.'

'I'll be home soon, I promise.'

'Did you get a job?'

I stayed silent. 'What?? Can't hear you, Alice! Sorry, the line's breaking up! I'll be back in a short while!' I ended the call, and picked myself up from the carpeted floor. I blinked rapidly, and hurried over to a mirror propped on the dresser beside the bed. I looked like Amy Winehouse on a bad hair day. I even scared myself. My hair was a mess, there was dried drool on the side of my mouth, and my breath stank like hell. I rubbed my mouth vigorously, and made my way downstairs.

I still had no idea who's house this was. I stepped into the living room, and saw a gorgeous man in his thirties, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. 'Hello,' I said, surprised.

'Oh, morning, Bella.' he greeted, smile fading when he saw my bedraggled state. 'The bathroom's upstairs, if you need a wash.' he said delicately.

Suddenly, everything came rushing back. The nanny, being drunk, new beds, gorgeous men, Edward… 'Oh, shit.' I muttered.

'I assume you're going to go get your clothes now?' Edward said, raising an eyebrow.

'I'm sorry, but…' I stood awkwardly in front of him, and he looked up at me, puzzled, on his seat. 'I'm not your nanny. This is all just a really, really big mistake, and I'm sorry I spent the night here, but I'm… not right for the job.' I finished, nervously twiddling my fingers.

Edward lowered his cup of coffee. 'What?'

'It's just that…' I trailed off.

'How could you not want a job that pays you $2500 a month?' Edward demanded, standing up.

Hold on.

'Two thousand and five hundred?' I repeated, feeling faint.

'Yes.'

Looks like I've just found myself a new job. Ha! Against all odds. I felt delirious with happiness. Looks like getting drunk and bunking in someone else's house was a blessing, after all. And I've babysitted all my teenage life, being a nanny should be a piece of cake.

'Um… Haha! Just a joke, Mr. Cullen.' I said brightly, beaming. He looked taken aback. 'April-- er, March Fools!'

'You were joking?' he asked.

'Yes, of course I was! I mean, couldn't you tell?' he probably thinks I'm the weirdest nanny he ever hired. But two hundred and fifty thousand? I'd kill for that! To think I stumbled on this job by mistake. And I can handle a few kids! Come on!

'Well, good.' he looked relieved. 'I've been searching high and low for you and when you agreed, I couldn't be more thrilled. Not many people would want this job.' Edward grinned, and my heart might've just stopped for a few seconds there.

'How come? I mean, it's just a nanny job,' I said.

'The thing is, I have eight kids, but you probably already knew that, so…' Edward smiled a little embarrassedly. 'Thanks a lot.'

'Eight kids?' I repeated, horror-struck.

'Yes. It isn't a problem, right? The agency said that you were fine with it, and that you had taken care of worse.' he said anxiously.

'No, not at all.' I said hastily, heart beating erratically. God, he was gorgeous even when his brows creased in worry. Why are all the perfect men in the world taken? Was he even straight? A man this beautiful could just be gay. Just my luck.

But back to the main problem.

Eight kids. Did I just agree to be a nanny to eight kids?

Oh, shit me.

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**Author's Note: **It's gets better later on, trust me. Imagine the hilarity that ensues with eight kids. So stick with the story, and possibly review to tell me what you think!


	2. The One With All The Chaos

**Author's Note: **Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter (:

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'You're a nanny?' Alice said in disbelief.

'Well, yeah.' I said uncomfortably, stuffing clothes in a zipper bag I found at the bottom of my closet. 'What's wrong? Is being a nanny weird?'

'No, it's just…' Alice trailed off.

'What?'

'You hate kids! I know you do, there's no denying it,' she added, when I opened my mouth to protest. 'You immediately leave the room and make up some stupid excuse whenever Rosalie brings her three nephews over, you can't stand the thought of living with them, changing diapers is completely out of the question for you, you can barely feed yourself, let alone feed others, and--'

I should've known Alice would bring this up. She's known me for ages, after all. We share an apartment together, and she's being trying to help me get a job for a few months. Alice is a professional wedding planner, and one of the best there is. No shit.

But the least she could do was be a little more supportive.

'All right, all right, I get the point.' I said quickly, spirits feeling dampened. 'But I've already taken the job, and it's the only one I got last night. Besides, there's a plus…'

'What?' Alice said skeptically.

'My employer is a total babe. No kidding.' I said slyly, knowing that that would immediately take Alice's mind off the 'I-can't-take-care-of-kids' thing. As true as it is. I sincerely hope Edward doesn't have any kids under five, I'll pass out cold if I have to change a diaper. Shudder.

'Really?' Alice said eagerly, instantly springing to attention.

'Yeah, I'll take a picture when I get the chance.' I grinned, and heaved my bag over my shoulder. 'Hey, can I borrow your silk pyjamas?'

'Sure, take 'em.' Alice waved her hand dismissively, suddenly gloomy. 'Don't go, Bells. It'll be so lonely without you.'

'I'll visit every weekend. It'll be as though I was never gone.' I reassured her, giving her a huge hug. I have to admit, I actually teared up a little. We'd lived together since we met a few months ago, when we both reached for the same Hermés scarf in a shop. We hit it off right away, and a month later, I moved in with her. She's just one of the bestest friends you could ever wish for.

'You promise?' Alice said into my shoulder.

'Of course! We're best friends, we stick together.' I gave her one last goodbye, and I lugged my suitcase along, out our apartment and down the elevator, trying not to burst into hysterical tears.

--

No one was at home when I arrived. Edward had given me a set of spare keys so I let myself in. The back of my neck prickled in unease I saw just how silent and lonely the house was. I hate empty places. A lot. Right, now to get my things upstairs.

With some difficulty, I lugged my suitcase and zipper bag upstairs (why three floors? Why??). I entered the room, and that was when I noticed that there was a huge whiteboard on the wall directly opposite of me, right behind the bed. What the hell? I walked closer to the whiteboard, peering curiously.

To my horror, it was a huge, complicated timetable, from Monday to Friday. Everything was planned in perfect precision, including 'Send kids to school: 7.30-7.46', 'Buy groceries: 2.00-3.45' and even 'Flute Lesson for Tim and Tom, 4.00-5.00 every Tuesday and Wednesday'. There were Post-It notes all over the whiteboard, with things like "Turn off porch light at night" and "Jenny is allergic to Brazilian nuts--SHE WILL BREAK OUT IN LARGE, PAINFUL HIVES. In case this happens, inject her".

Oh, dear God. Am I supposed to _memorize _this?

I backed away from the whiteboard, freaking out slightly. Did Edward write this?? Whoa. Just… whoa.

'Hello? Bella?' someone from downstairs called.

'Yeah! I'm up here!' I yelled out, jumping off the bed and frantically trying to look… er, nanny-like. I plucked a feather-duster from my backpack (do NOT look at me like that--it was Alice's idea) and started randomly dusting around. Alice had also suggested a sexy nanny outfit, but that was where I drew the line.

'Good, you're here--' Edward Cullen, dressed in a smart suit and hair slicked back suavely, stepped into the room and stopped short when he saw me daintily (I hope) dusting the mirror on my dresser.

'Yes?' I moved on to the dressing table.

'A feather duster?' he asked, voice slightly strangled. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was trying to suppress laughter.

'Oh… um--' I stuttered, and quickly threw the feather duster under my bed, blushing furiously. I hate it when I blush. I blush 24/7, and it's no picnic.

'I'm glad you're here. I just got the feeling that maybe you had second thoughts.' he said, leaning against the doorframe, crossing his arms. 'The kids are coming over tomorrow morning, and… I see the timetable's there.' he stared at the whiteboard, a hint of a smile playing on his luscious lips. No, not luscious. Damn it, Bella!

'Did you write that?' I asked.

'No, Tanya did.' he said. 'She's so organized.'

'Tanya? I thought you were…' I trailed off uncertainly.

'Divorced? Yes, but Jessica's my girlfriend.' he scratched the side of his face, looking slightly embarrassed. 'Tanya was my first wife, and the kids go over to her place on weekends.

Oh. _Oh…_ I suppose it was stupid of me to think that he would be single.

'I suppose you should get some sleep. Tanya's coming over tomorrow to brief you about where everything is, I'm not much good at this kind of things.' he laughed. 'Right then, goodnight.'

'Edward…!' a nasally, annoyed voice floated upstairs. 'What're you doing upstairs?'

'Is that Jessica?' I said.

'Yes. I hope you don't mind, but she's… er, staying over tonight.'

'No, not at all.'

He left the room, but not before giving me a small smile. Oh, my God. It would be a really, really, _really _bad idea to develop a crush now.

Ah well, I suppose I'd better get some sleep. Oh God, I hope the kids like me.

--

'HAND OVER THE CEREAL!!!'

'NO, IT'S MY TURN TO POUR!!'

'SHUT UP, YOU TWO!'

I awoke to the din of children screaming downstairs, and I pried my eyes open with some difficulty, rubbing them vigorously. Argh, I feel horrible--

'BEEP!'

The sound of a bullhorn sounded directly into my left ear, and I let out a terrified shriek, falling on the floor with a painful thump. 'What the--' I gasped.

'WE GOT HER!' someone yelled in triumph, and then I heard a flurry of footsteps and loud, excited giggling. Whoever had woken me was now thumping noisily down the stairs. I struggled up, feeling as though my left ear was now completely numb. I pulled myself up with a groan and squinted at a digital clock by my bedside. It was six in the morning. SIX IN THE MORNING! Who in the right mind would wake a person up at the ungodly hour of six in the morning!

I looked around my room, and I let out a small scream.

My clothes (which, incidentally, I had forgotten to unpack) were littered all over the room, some hanging off lampshades, bedposts and some on the floor. I picked a printed shirt up with trembling hands, and saw that someone had drawn two dots surrounded by two circles with green marker on the front. There was no mistaking what the crude caricature meant.

'THE NANNY WEARS A BRA! THE NANNY WEARS A BRA!' someone yelled. My head whipped around, and I saw a pair of identical boy twins standing in my doorway, pulling hideous faces and one of them had strapped my favorite lace bra around his head, so that the cups stood up proudly in the air and they looked like mini mouse ears.

'Oy!' I yelled, and I struggled up. 'Give that back!'

'Run!' one screamed at the top of his voice, and they both rushed away. I stumbled downstairs, hands flailing and nearly tripping over a stray skateboard. 'GIVE THAT BACK--'

I had reached the dining room, and I stopped short when I saw that the dining room was, predictably, filled with people. I froze. It was probably around then that I realized dimly I was still wearing Alice's bright pink, polka-dotted silk pyjamas, and my hair probably resembled a particularly leafy shrub.

These enormous crowd of kids were obviously Edward's kids, and they had all fallen silent, staring at me. One of them, a tall, gangly girl with a baseball cap on had evidently forgotten that she was pouring herself a cup of milk, and her green mug was overflowing, milk dripping off the sides. Another ten-year-old boy's fork was frozen in the midst of feeding himself cereal. Thankfully, as I swept my eyes across the crowd, none of them were younger than five.

'Um… morning.' I said weakly.

The twins, the ones who had wrecked my room, sniggered, and that broke the silence. The other six kids shrugged and got back to their breakfast, as though a nanny bursting into the dining room in her pyjamas and screaming bloody murder was something that happened every once so often.

'Hi, you must be Isabella.' a beautiful woman with long, blonde hair in a graceful chignon at the nape of her neck walked over, and shook my hand warmly. 'Edward told me he had hired you. I'll be showing you the ropes today, but you'll be on your own tomorrow. Don't worry, if you remember everything, nothing will go wrong.'

Ha! Nothing will go wrong! In my world, everything that can possibly go wrong goes wrong.

'Thanks.' I managed. 'Er, I'll just--go up and change now, shall I?'

Tanya nodded, and I rushed upstairs, feeling utterly mortified.

'Tim! Tom! Give Isabella her bra back!' I heard Tanya yell from behind me.

--

Ten rushed minutes later, I returned to the dining-room, and Tanya introduced me to all eight kids.

'Guys! In a line!' she said, and they shuffled into an untidy line, grunting about being late for school. 'Right everyone, this is Isabella--'

'Oh, call me Bella.' I said automatically, and blushed.

'--okay, Bella, and she's your new nanny!' she spread her arms wide and gave her children a dazzling smile. She certainly didn't look like she had eight kids.

'Why do we need a nanny?' a plump boy complained, holding a tuba in his hands. 'We're fine on our own!'

There were several murmurs of approval from the rest, and Tanya shushed them. 'I didn't hire her, Edward did. So I want you to make her feel as at home as possible, okay? Bella, this is Lauren, our eldest fifteen-year-old.' Tanya laid her manicured hand on the shoulder of a very voluptuous girl wearing a blue and gold cheerleading uniform, and she was the exact carbon copy of Tanya. Same strawberry-blonde hair, sun kissed tan, blue, piercing eyes. Lauren gave me a dismissive glance with her mascara-ed eyes. 'Hey.' she said. Geez, I feel like I'm back in high-school again, confronting the most popular girl in school.

'Then our fourteen-year-old, Tyler.' she gestured to a moody-looking boy, wearing baggy jeans and hair carefully spiked up. He didn't say a word to me, he only readjusted the strap of his backpack.

'Then, Katie, thirteen.' she pointed to the girl who had spilt milk all over the kitchen countertop. She was the exact opposite of her sister, Lauren: figure as flat front and behind as an iron board, a rather bad case of acne, and rather shy. She kind of reminds me of when I was her age. Awkward, a loner…

'Larry, eleven.' the boy with the huge tuba gave me a wave, saying, 'Yo.' he had the exact same color of hair as Edward (I couldn't help but notice), but he was rather tubby.

'Emily, nine.' a sweet-faced girl with long pig-tails trailing down her back. She gave me a poisonously sweet smile, and I could see straightaway that she was probably spoilt, daddy's-little-girl. A pink bow sat cheerily on the top of her head.

'Then, the twins, you've met them. This is Tim, this is Tom. Both of them are at the age of seven.' she pointed. 'They're exactly alike, except for the a small mole on his--'

'MOM!' both of them protested at once. They were wearing identical shirts, with identical hair, and identical eyes, with identical pants, and identical… you get the point.

'--they're a little touchy about that mole, for some reason.' Tanya continued. 'If it helps, Tim is slightly taller than Tom, and Tom's ears are more sticky-outey, if you look closely. You'll see the difference once you get to know them better.'

I nodded, head already swimming with names. Lauren, Tyrone, Katherine… wait, was it Kathy, or Katherine? …or Katie? Gah.

'Then our last one. She was a surprise.' she said fondly. A small girl with delicate brown hair stuck her head out. She had cherubic features of a small angel, and I fell in love with her immediately. 'That's Tallulah. All right!' Tanya clapped her hands. 'Off to school, everyone!'

'Finally!' Larry grumbled under his breath, and they shuffled out.

'Okay, Lauren, Tyler and Katie take the bus, so you don't have to worry about them. On the other hand, Larry, Emily and the twins go to the local elementary, you'll have to drive them there, then Tallulah goes alone to the local Montessori, it's a little far away, and it's over a hill, so you'll have to walk her up. When and where you should pick them up after school are written down on the whiteboard upstairs. Larry is with the school band, so he comes back from school two hours later than anyone else--he has practice. Lauren has cheerleading practice every Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. Tallulah has a piano lesson today, at five. I've folded down pages of this map here--' Tanya handed me a huge book, and I accepted it, huffing. 'Katie generally locks herself up in her room, so you have to knock on her room to get her to come down to dinner. Don't let Tim and Tom near chocolate or anything sweet, they get really hyperactive when you do that, and you do NOT want to see them hyperactive. I'm off to work now, Edward's back at five, too. Right, good luck! I'll be driving them to school today, but you come along, so that you can sort of get used to the route.'

Tanya gave me an encouraging smile, 'Did you get all that?'

I stared after her, still holding the map in my hands.

'Huh?'

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**Author's Note: **As always, please review and tell me what you think.


	3. The One With All The Rushing

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the long wait :D. For anyone who's also reading **Cullen International Corporation, **I kind of have writer's block so I'm sorry for not updating. If anyone cares.

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**Chapter Three: The One With All The Rushing**

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The rest of the morning passed by in an exhausting, confusing blur. Tanya dropped the kids off in two batches: Lauren, Tyler and Katie to their high-school a few blocks away, and Larry, Emily, Tim and Tom to their elementary. The car ride was a trip to hell; I was surprised the station wagon didn't keel over because of the sheer noise and movement produced by these eight kids.

I sat in the passenger's seat, wondering how on earth I was going to survive. Tim/Tom frequently pounced to the front of the car, placed their hands in front of Tanya's eyes and screamed, 'GUESS WHO?' Instead of freaking out and completely losing control of the car, Tanya simply calmly removed Tim/Tom's (still can't figure out which is which) hands from her eyes and told them off. I think she may be my new hero.

'Right, after I drop everyone else off, I'll drive you home and you prepare lunch for them. Anything goes.' Tanya said.

'No! I want McDonalds!' someone behind me whined.

'Ew, too oily.' a muffled voice called out, presumably Emily. 'GET OUT OF MY FACE!'

A loud thump, a stifled cry. 'MUM! EMILY PUSHED ME!'

'Larry stuffed his stupid tuba up my face!' Emily retorted, shrieking in frustration. 'Come on, when're we going to get to school?'

'Larry, get your tuba about of Emily's face! And how many times have we talked of a proper case for the tuba?' Tanya called from beside me. I, on the other hand, was nearly going deaf with the noise and clinging onto my seat in terror, should Tanya lose concentration and we'll swerve crazily on the road and inevitably crash into a lamppost/mailbox and we'll all die gruesome, grisly deaths.

Oh, God. Help me!

'MOM! Ten minutes till the bell rings!' Larry fought his way through a wrestling Tim and Tom. 'Not the second time in a week!'

'Hold on, kids!' Tanya yelled, and slammed her foot down on the gas pedal.

I felt as though I had left all of my insides at the high-school. We barely made a sharp turn, and Tanya expertly twiddled the steering wheel, maneuvering between two cars. We just missed a fire hydrant by an inch.

I was screaming my head off and clutching myself in terror, knowing that my end was near. Oh God please, don't let me die now! There's so many things I haven't done yet!

The station wagon came to a screeching halt by a small school with a school yard and kids running around all over the place. I sat, blinking rapidly and trying to regain my senses, which seemed to have been numbed.

'Bye! Love you mom!'

'Bye!'

'Just in time…' Larry grumbled. None of them seemed to be even slightly shaken by the horror ride I had just been through.

'Bye kids! Tim, Tom, don't tear down another toilet seat!' Tanya turned to be, smiling cheerily, and that smile faded when she took in my green face. 'Bella, are you okay--'

That was when I promptly threw up.

Urgh, how embarrassing.

--

After Tanya dropped me off home (she was very nice about me puking my guts out in her car, but I got the feeling she liked me less after that; if she ever liked me at all in the first place), I spent the next twenty minutes wandering around in the house, feeling rather lost and useless.

Was I really as up for the job as I thought I was? From what I just witnessed an hour ago, being a nanny to these kids would require superhuman strength, unending patience, an uncanny ability to duck whenever one of your twins came at you with a plastic arrow and supreme driving skills. It didn't take me long to realize I had exactly none of that.

Tanya had told me to check the refrigerator once I got home, for some reason, before she sped off. I hadn't really taken a better look at Edward's home since I arrived stone drunk, and I had to say that this house was utterly luxurious. The walls were painted a very pleasant shade of… erm. I don't exactly know what color it is. Maybe… lavender? Lavender/Blue/Purple/Lilac. Right.

There was a simply enormous flat-screen TV in the living-room, complete with lush couches and tasteful flower decorations in the corners, with a large chandelier dangling from the ceiling. Hmm. Not what I'd expect in a home with eight kids. Who puts porcelain vases in the same house as Tim and Tom live? Not very smart, in my opinion.

I eyed the glossy remote sitting comfortably on the sofa in front of me. Should I…?

Ah, well.

Tumbling down on the sofa, I turned the huge TV on with a happy press of a button. HBO, then. I was greeted with the huge, glaring red words 'PARENTAL BLOCK--PLEASE ENTER PASSCODE'. Whoa. Harsh. Switching off the TV, I jumped off the couch and headed to the refrigerator. Even from a distance I could see that it was plastered all over with Post-It Notes. I idly plucked one off and read out loud, 'Pick up Larry, Emily, Tim and Tom at three, Lauren returns at five, Tyler and Katie both at half-past four. Pick up Tallulah at twelve. Cook lunch for her. Feed Jenny. Jenny?' I said aloud, paling slightly. I wasn't the biggest fan of dogs. Mostly because they seemed to hate me.

So… it's nine forty-five. One and a half-hour till I go pick Tallulah up. Right on cue, I let out a monster yawn, stretching my arms over my head and feeling joints pop. Okay, Bella, a short nap. Short, short nap…

--

It wasn't a short nap at all.

When I sleepily wake up, it's one in the afternoon and I'm one hour late.

'ARGH!' I screamed when I caught sight of a Kitty clock ticking on the wall. Oh shit, oh shit… I hurriedly scrabbled around in the key basket for the station wagon's keys, and I snatched the map from the sofa, rushing out and knocking my elbow on the door in the process. Oh, poor Tallulah. What if she's wandered off on her own because no one came to fetch her? What if some sicko came along and led her away? WHAT IF TALLULAH'S GONE WHEN I GET THERE??

I quickly kick the station wagon into ignition, and back out of the porch, speeding away. Attempting to multitask by looking at the map and driving at the same time, I nearly collided with an oncoming cyclist, who sweetly flipped me off, shrieking, 'Get out of the way!'

I got to the Montessori in under ten minutes flat, miraculously emerging without a scratch. The Montessori was a garishly colored building, with a picture of a rhinoceros holding an apple displayed on the front gate. Tallulah was sitting down on the front step, the only girl there in a uniform. A stern-looking teacher was standing beside her. I pulled up, looking sheepish.

'Sorry I'm late.' I apologized, smiling nervously. The teacher glared at me. 'Tallulah has been sitting here waiting for more than sixty minutes! How does that make you feel? What kind of mother are you?'

'I'm actually the nanny.' I offered. 'I'm new, sorry. I promise it'll never happen again, though.'

The teacher harrumphed, and led Tallulah inside the car, firmly strapping her in and patting her on the head. She shut the door and never took her eyes off me. I have to be honest, I was rather freaked out.

'Hey, Tallulah. Look, I'm sorry I was late today. In fact, that's no excuse.' I said, looking at her through the rearview mirror.

'That's okay.' Tallulah said, pursing her lips slightly.

'To make it up to you…' I tried to think of something. '…I'll make your favorite thing to eat today!' I figured anything a five-year-old liked fit nicely into my cooking ability. I could do a simple sandwich, or French toast…

Tallulah immediately brightened up, sitting upright in her seat. 'You mean… you're going to make me spaghetti topped with olives stuffed with relish and a carved tomato flower?'

Whoa.

'Well, honey, it's not that.'

Tallulah frowned. 'Then what're you going to make me?'

I smiled in the rearview mirror, and she returned it uncertainly.

'We'll see.'

--

In the end, I make Tallulah greasy fries and some beef patties.

'Aunt Jessica's going to be our mom, you know.' Tallulah said between bites, her red mouth circled with grease. 'She never let's us eat things like this.' Tallulah put on a haughty voice. 'Aunt Jessica does not approve!'

'Does she always say that?'

'About ten times a day!' Tallulah exclaimed. 'I miss my mom and my dad living together. Aunt Jessica is horrible. She wants us to call her mom now.'

'Do the rest of your sisters and brothers like her?' Even though I had never even met this Jessica, she seemed utterly horrible. I'd hate to have her as a stepmother.

'No! We hate her!'

'Was she the one who blocked all your TV?'

'Yes! Now Larry and Tyler can't watch their wrestling and there's nothing else she lets us watch except National Geographic and the Discovery Channel.' Tallulah pouted slightly. 'We have TV schedules now! We can only watch TV for two hours per day, because Aunt Jessica says anything more is bad for us.'

'Dear God.' I said, half-laughing. 'Is there anything else?'

'Yeah.' Tallulah looked troubled. 'All of us don't want her to become our mom. But there's nothing we can do! Because--Lauren said--they're getting _enraged._' Tallulah finished, hushed.

'You mean, engaged?' I corrected, picking a greasy chip of her plate.

'Yeah, engaged.' Tallulah smiled. 'I like you. You're not like our other nannies. They used to be all stuck-up and yucky. Aunt Jessica won't like you.' Tallulah announced decisively. 'I want to play dolls! Will you play dolls with me?'

'Finish up your lunch first.' I said, wiping her rosebud with a wet handkerchief.

Interesting. Really interesting.

* * *


	4. The One Where They Destroy A Hypermarket

**Author's Note: **I'll stop neglecting this story, I promise :D

* * *

I was supposed to buy groceries next.

I don't know why I felt so nervous. Really, it was just _groceries_. What horrible thing could possibly happen? Kumquats will magically grow wings and attack me in the face?

Erm, _no._

Then why was I dreading it so much?

I'd already picked up Larry, Emily, Tim and Tom from the elementary - and nearly got lost along the way, but I'm trying to put that behind me right now - and for some odd reason they insisted on coming along grocery shopping.

'We want to go!' Tim/Tom whined, pouting and protesting for all they were worth.

'Why? You'll have much more fun at home… all I'm going to do is buy veggies and stuff. Not fun at all,' I wheedled, trying to coax them. I had a feeling my coaxing wasn't doing much.

'I want to go too!' Emily said stubbornly, crossing her arms. The pink bow from earlier bounced cheerily on her head, pigtails swinging.

'I'm going to tell Mom! She _always _lets us follow when she goes grocery shopping!' Larry shouted, grinning in a very unsettling way. His words had the intended effect, however. I instantly panicked. I couldn't lose the job now, not when I'd only been working for a few hours. It would be highly embarrassing if I was fired. Alice would never let me forget it.

'Alright, fine!' I threw up my hands in exasperation.

Tim and Tom high-fived each other, cheering.

'Come on, I have to be back in an hour to send Tallulah to her piano lesson.' I said, frazzled.

The kids piled in after me, jabbering away. After strapping Tallulah in her baby seat, I backed out of the porch, feeling jittery.

--

**Kid's POV**

'Alright, so you all remember the plan?' Larry whispered. Emily, Tim and Tom all nodded enthusiastically. 'Don't make the same mistake like the one you did when Miss Jabberbottom was our nanny. Make her think it's all _her _fault.'

'Yeah, yeah,' Emily waved her hand. 'Tim, Tom, remember your stations? Where you're supposed to stand when we separate ourselves from The Nanny?'

'I remember!' Tim threw Emily a look. 'I'm not stupid.'

'Could've fooled me,' Emily snorted, and Tim tugged on one of her loose ponytails, making Emily yelp.

'Hey, hey, cool it, you guys!' Larry exclaimed. He looked behind him, where The Nanny was giving them suspicious glances. 'I can tell this one isn't as stupid as the others. She might think something is up, so we act as innocent as possible, okay?'

'Why do you want to do this?' Tallulah asked, clearly agitated. 'She's nice. Don't be mean. I like her a lot.'

'Well Tally, unfortunately we don't, so we haven't got a choice but to eliminate her. Don't worry, Tally, you won't need to be involved. Much. No one'll get severely hurt, at least.' Larry said gravely, knowing full well it would only serve to worry Tallulah even more. In his opinion, Tally acted way too mature for her age.

'Everything all right back there, kids?' The Nanny called, twiddling the steering wheel.

'Yes!' they chorused.

'Let's play that ABC word game we saw on Sesame Street!' Tim and Tom both put on high-pitched falsettos and blinked their eyes, smiling angelically. Over the years, they'd found out that this ruse usually fooled most of them into thinking they were just simple children. They hadn't so much as watched Sesame Street since they were five. 'I love that game so much!' Emily joined in.

The Nanny relaxed visibly.

**--**

**Bella's POV**

Those kids were weird, definitely. I could sense something going on.

They trailed after me after I got out of the SUV. We were at Furr's Hypermarket, the Cullen's preferred place to do grocery shopping. It was a modest building, a few blocks away from their home.

'Yay! Grocery shopping!' Tim and Tom immediately raced to the entrance, howling and yelling.

'Oy! Wait up!' I groaned and hurried after them. They were climbing all over a shopping cart, which was clanging very loudly, causing some elderly ladies to look and stare disapprovingly. 'Sorry!' I apologized to no one in particular, cheeks flushing brilliantly. Hope they don't cause me too much trouble today, I've already got enough on my plate.

'Get off that!' I admonished. Tim/Tom took no notice, instead Tim sat in the shopping cart and Tom pushed it, racing away. 'Come back!' I shrieked. They ignored me.

'Oh God - Larry? Emily?' I swiveled around, searching across the parking lot. They'd disappeared. What?! They were behind me a few seconds ago… Tallulah was the only one left. For some odd reason, she looked very, very worried.

'Did you see where they went?' I asked, huffing a little.

Tallulah froze. 'I… um…' she stammered, clearly torn. I was baffled. Was something wrong with the question I asked?

'You don't have to answer if you don't want to, Tallulah.' I sighed, and held her hand. 'Come on, we'd better go find them before they burn down the entire place.'

Tallulah gave a nervous laugh. 'They won't.' she said, although it sounded as though she was convincing herself more than me. We both walked through the automatic doors, and a cheery girl greeted us at the entrance.

'Larry? Emily?' I called, cupping my hands around my mouth. A few turned around to stare but I stoically ignored them. There was no answer. 'I suppose they'll turn up sooner or later.' I muttered.

I was still worried, though. Gah! It was as though they were doing this on purpose.

Wait… just now, on the car. When they were in a circle and whispering…

Nah. Not even kids could be that malicious. They couldn't have planned this in advance, could they? Horror drenched me. I pulled Tallulah along, peeking in several aisles. They weren't there. I was walking pretty quick now, calling their names every now and then. No one answered.

'Excuse me, miss.' a lady with slicked back hair stepped in front of my path. She had a bright orange name tag clipped on top of her right breast, saying: "Hello! My name is Geraldine!" in bright yellow letters. 'Have you lost a child, miss?'

'I.. um… no.' I said defiantly. I wanted to be the one who found them. For some reason, telling the authorities that I'd lost a child was probably part of their plan.

'Then we'll have to ask you to lower down your voice, miss.' her smile tightened. 'You're disrupting the other customers, miss.'

'Okay, okay,' I snapped, and pushed past her. I looked directly in front, and saw Tim/Tom standing at the very end of the aisle, with his pants around his ankle and - would you fucking believe it? - peeing on a fancy fruit display. I was struck with dismay for a few seconds, not quite believing what I was seeing. Then, Tom (I've decided this one looked more like a Tom than a Tim) looked at me straight in the eye, bent down and mooned me.

'OY! TIM! TOM!' I yelled, and took off, Tallulah desperately trying to catch up.

Tom/Tim scurried away, giggling.

'What the fuck--' I skidded around a corner, only to see both Tim and Tom run down another adjacent aisle, holding something in their hands. 'Tallulah, you stay right here!' Tallulah whimpered, but let my hand go anyway. 'Don't go anywhere else, okay?'

She nodded wordlessly. I chased after Tim and Tom, making a sharp U-turn as I entered the aisle. Then, my legs slipped underneath me, my arms were flailing and I landed squarely on my behind, gasping as I made contact with the floor. 'Oh, my God.' my hands which I'd thrown out to protect myself, were covered in grease. It was absolutely disgusting.

'TIM! TOM!' I roared, positively furious. The twins were standing at the end, holding a small pot, laughing their stupid asses off. 'GET BACK HERE! YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE RIGHT NOW, I DON'T - OY!!! STOP RUNNING!'

Unsurprisingly, they'd sprinted away.

I picked myself up with difficulty, and ran after them, spitting out cusses that would give my mother a coronary if she'd heard me. Shoppers dodged out of the way, complaining as I weaved through them. 'OUT OF THE WAY!' I bellowed.

I entered the toy section, and was nearly trampled over by a gigantic mountain bike. Larry was riding it, making triumphant circles around the aisle. 'Haha! Can't catch me!' he taunted. 'Get off the fucking bike!' I hollered.

'YOU SAID A SWEAR WORD!' Larry shouted back, and he pedaled away, narrowly avoiding colliding into a tuna can stack. I was getting severely exhausted from all the running around and chasing, but I still went after Larry. We were in the Ladies department now, and to my alarm Tim and Tom were discreetly opening up boxes of tampons and littering them all over the floor. Larry had jumped off his bike and he started ripping the plastic off a few deodorants and spraying them on unsuspecting shoppers. 'Take that!' he screamed with every spray.

'Control your kids, man!' a teen with pink hair and bad acne snapped.

'I'M FRIGGING TRYING!' I squawked.

Larry threw the bottle on the ground and ran away, screaming, 'Anarchy! Chaos!' his voice faded away with every step he took.

Tim and Tom had vanished too. I wildly went to the next aisle, dreading at what disaster I might feast my eyes upon next. This time it was Emily. She'd taken several bottles of ketchup and soy sauce and she was smashing them open on the floor, humming as she did so. The floor was already filthy. Why wasn't anyone intervening?

'Emily! Stop!' she dropped her bottles and sped away, cackling.

Right then. Next aisle.

I was sweating profusely at this point, and I was quite sure that my face closely resembled a red, glistening balloon. My heart was beating erratically. 'TIM! TOM!' my voice was hoarse now. I turned a corner, panting. A distressed Geraldine I'd met earlier was staring at the debris around her. It was the candies section, and every single bad had been torn open. Marshmallows, Tootsie rolls, Jellybeans, chocolate cubes, Crème eggs, Nerds, Gobstoppers…

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck…

'I didn't do it,' I croaked before I could stop myself.

Geraldine's was still aghast. She shakily pulled out a black walkie-talkie and whispered, "Code Red in Candies". I walked away, dazed. These kids… they were really and truly the spawn of Satan. There was no doubt about it.

I entered the Toys section, and there they were. All of them. Somehow, the four of them had found the time to build a mini-fort out of gigantic Lego bricks. They were each wearing a plastic military hat, and in their stoic hands were brightly colored toy guns. There was even war paint on their ruddy cheeks.

'Oh, shit.' I muttered, officially surrendering.

'AHH!' they let out a collective war cry and drenched me. Water guns, it seemed. They were harmless enough, though. I let them spray me. Really, what else could I do?

--

'I'm sorry.' I kept repeating. 'I'm really, really sorry.'

'We didn't know any better!' Larry kept wailing, tears glistening on his cheeks. He looked so damn devastated. What an actor, I mused. 'The Nanny didn't tell us what we were doing was w-w-wrong!' he burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Emily, Tim and Tom followed suit. Only Tallulah stood awkwardly by their side, looking lost.

Dozens of pairs of eyes swiveled to face me. '_You _let them do all of this?!' a scary-looking man with a red face thundered. He was obviously the Big Guy.

I thought about denying it. Telling them the truth - that they'd hatched a plan. But who'd believe me? Their crying is so heartbreaking that even _I'm _feeling ashamed of myself. Maybe everything I saw just now was just a hallucination. I blinked. 'I'm sorry.' I apologized for the gazillionth time. Larry's eyes glinted with victory. I bowed my head. 'I'm really, really sorry.'

'You do realize you'll have to pay for all the damage?' the manager demanded.

I nodded dumbly, not even bothering to add everything up mentally. Should be hundreds, at least…

I silently proffered a credit card, closing my eyes as I handed it over. Ouch. This was painful. All my savings. When I opened my eyes, I thought that maybe I'd seen a touch of guilt in their eyes, but it went away as soon as I tried to take a second look.

--

'You're going to tell our dad, aren't you?' Larry piped up happily as we climbed into the SUV. I was shivering, my shirt still damp.

'Of course she's going to!' Tallulah said, close to tears. 'You were horrible!'

'I'm not going to.' I said. I could tell this shocked all of them, including me. I mean, what was the point? They were just going to turn it around and make it sound as though I was the guilty one.

'Why?' challenged Emily. 'Don't you want to see us get told off?' she smirked.

I turned around in my seat to stare at her blankly. 'Why would I want to see that?' I asked, sighing heavily. 'It's still going to be my fault, anyway.'

'What! But…' Tim/Tom protested.

The ride back was silent.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Well! Hope you guys liked it, please review! I had so much fun writing this!! More havoc coming up, so stick around! Oh, and the sequel to Cullen International Corporation is up! It's called Confessions of the Certifiably Insane, and I'd love it if you guys went to check it out!! :D


	5. The One Where They Plot

**Author's Note:** HAHA all of a sudden I think writing this is super fun. Which is probably the reason for the quickie update. :D Make sure you guys review!!

* * *

Edward Cullen wasn't too angry at me when I told him I'd forgotten to buy the groceries.

'It happens,' he reassured me. 'You're still trying to get used to our daily routine. Things are probably a little hectic for you now, aren't they?' he said sympathetically.

'You've no idea.' I replied fervently.

Edward had just gotten back from work (he was three hours late tonight - the Post-It Notes said he came home at five) and he looked exhausted, with dark circles under his eyes and his hair deliciously rumpled. He removed his tie with quick, swift motions and massaged his neck absent-mindedly. He looked absolutely mouth-watering. Mmm… If I got to see this everyday I'd happily put up with the eight kids. Maybe.

'Did the kids get up to any…' he paused, scratching the back of his head. '…shenanigans, today? As in any tricks, or…?' he gave me an inquiring look, worried.

'Nope.' I said lightly, crossing my arms and preparing to climb up the stairs.

His head snapped up, disbelieving. 'Are… are you sure?'

'Yes, very.' I said firmly. 'They were absolute… angels.' I gave him a weak smile, remembering Larry on that stupid bike and Tom mooning me. 'Angels.'

'Good… good.' he sighed, clearly relieved. 'It's just that I was so worried I would come back with an earful of complaints.'

'Why?'

'Well…' he looked hesitant. 'You're not the first nanny we've had.'

'Really?' I asked dryly, not feeling very surprised at all.

'We've had approximately twenty-five over the course of five years, actually.' he pulled out a dinner table chair and sat down on it heavily. I suddenly felt rather sorry for him. He looked so damned stressed. I mean, living with these little devils, who were pretending to sleep upstairs but were probably eavesdropping on our little conversation?

'We haven't managed to find one that lasts for more than six months, actually.' he smiled tiredly, rubbing the corners of his eyes. 'There was one that only endured five hours. Then she quit.' he let out a snort.

'Erm…'

'It's such a relief that they haven't done anything. They're not as angelic as you think they are. I mean, they're fantastic kids but they can be a little…' he winced. '…unruly.'

'I guess I'll just have to see what's in store for me next.' I said gloomily, starting up the stairs. 'Goodnight, then, Mr. Cullen.'

'Please, call me Edward.' he grinned. 'Like what I told you on the first day.'

'Er, goonight, Edward.' I hurried to my room, suddenly feeling very, very tired after such a long day. I pushed open the door to my third-floor room and tumbled into bed, hands flopping down beside me. 'Agh…' the silken sheets felt heavenly. It only took me about two seconds to fall into a deep, deep sleep.

--

**Kids POV**

Larry removed Tyler's trusty stethoscope from his bedroom floor, feeling disappointed. 'She kept her promise.' he hissed. Emily, who was wearing her orange silk pyjamas and clutching a ratty old brown teddy, pouted slightly. 'Looks like she kept her word.'

'Aw, man. So everything we did just now was for nothing?' Tim complained, hiding under a Transformers comforter.

Tyler, Katie, Larry, Emily, Tim and Tom has formed a messy circle in Larry's room. Tyler sat in the middle, in a plain white shirt and colorful boxer pants. Larry noticed that even when he was about to sleep he still kept his hair carefully in shiny spikes. Larry eyed the spikes distastefully. He'd only recently started styling his hair this way, and Larry didn't really like them. They didn't look very Tyler-ish. In his hands was a brick-red torchlight, and he shone it playfully in turn at everyone's faces. Larry giggled along wistfully. It wasn't often that Tyler reverted back to his old self.

'What did Dad say?' Katie whispered.

'He said he was relieved.' Larry scowled, tossing Tyler's stethoscope back, and Tyler caught it lazily. 'And he also told her to call him "Edward".' he added, revolted.

Everyone let out a collective groan.

'You know what _that _means.' Katie murmured. 'He _likes _her.' she said "like" as though it was a dirty swear word. 'Shit.' she swore, ignoring the scandalized looks from Tim and Tom.

'It's just happening all over again.' Emily muttered, pulling her ratty teddy bear closer.

'How many times _exactly _have we seen this happen?' Katie placed her face in her hands.

'Twenty-five.' Tom and Tom said simultaneously, sounding miserable.

'Look, we _can't _let The Nanny change Dad's mind again.' Larry motioned for them to lean in closer, and everyone followed suit. 'Jessica seems… okay.' he said forcedly.

'Shut up!'

Tim made puking noises. 'Are you kidding? She's horrible! The PARENTAL BLOCKS!! Even when she was our nanny she was yucky.'

'But Dad's been with her for… what, three months?' Emily joined in, punching her palm with her fist to make a point. 'That's longer than anyone he's ever been with. Including that Alicia woman, remember her? We were so sure that they'd marry each other.' she said miserably.

'So we've got to make this one last, as horrible as she as. She might not be the mother we had in mind, but…' Tyler said. 'I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm pretty darn tired of Dad falling in and out of love with the nannies all the time.'

'Yeah… come on. Give Jessica a chance.' Katie piped up.

'Yeah, well.' Larry groused.

'Hey, where's Lauren, anyway?'

'She's out with Bastardo Brad again.' Katie grinned at the nickname and Emily erupted in giggles.

'Oi, Tim and Tom are here! Not to mention Emily. And even Larry.' Tyler admonished.

'Yeah, whatever.' Katie rolled her eyes, something she'd begun to do quite often lately.

'I'm not _that _small. I can take the swears.' Larry told Tyler scornfully. 'Anyway, I thought she was still with Douchebag Derrick?' asked.

'OI! Tim and Tom?'

'Nah, that was _before _Asshole Aaron.' Katie corrected.

'Remember Faggot Fred? He--'

'Right, back to The Nanny.' Tyler hurriedly prompted. Tim and Tom's eyes were as wide as dinner plates. They ignored him.

'So what did you tell Dad?' Larry asked Katie, expression darkening. 'Did she ask you to cover up for her again?'

'Yeah.' Katie replied glumly. 'According to her, she's at Jeannie's place having a darling slumber party and having innocent fun.'

Larry sighed.

'Alright, back to The Nanny. Get the Manual out.' Larry instructed Tim, who was closest to the loose floorboard. Tim crawled over to the worn floorboard marked with a small red Sharpie triangle, lifted it up and pulled out a very, very dusty hardback notebook. He thumped it down in the middle of the circle, and a cloud of dust rose cheerily around it. It's pages were slightly yellowed and it was crammed with paper, some of them diagrams, maps and even a few floor plans.

'Report, please.' Larry said in a very official voice. 'I assume you did your report today, Em?'

Emily cleared her throat, picked up the book and flipped through. She eventually found the page she was looking for, and she lifted it up, and read out loud in hushed tones.

'26th April, 2009. Larry, Emily, Tim and Tom persuaded Nanny no.26 to bring us along to Furr's Hypermarket, at approximately three in the afternoon. Weather was nice, no clouds in the sky. We dispersed the moment Nanny no.26 set foot in Hypermarket. Larry and I went to the fruits, Tim went to the Candies. Tom was the bait this time, and he peed on a display to lure Nanny no.26. Said display was right next to the toilet paper, right here.' Emily removed a wrinkled hand-drawn floor plan of Furr's Hypermarket from somewhere in the book delicately and indicated where the toilet paper was. Everyone nodded understandingly.

'I showed her my butt, too.' Tom piped up, voice suffused with naked delight.

'It was _my _idea.' Tim cut in, disgruntled.

'Was not!'

'Was too!'

'Oh, shut up.' Tyler grumbled. 'Go on, Em.'

'Nanny no.26 went after Tom, and fell for the Grease Trap.'

'Ah, the Grease Trap.' Katie nodded wisely. 'An old favorite.'

'…and after that, Nanny no.26 chased after--'

'Can we skip the report? Yes, they ambushed The Nanny, bla bla bla… we all know what happened, basically. The stupid report is putting me to sleep.'

'Hey! I spent the whole afternoon writing this!' Emily exclaimed indignantly.

'Fine.' Tyler waved his hand dismissively. 'So Phase One is over?'

'Well and truly.' Larry nodded.

'When do we get to Phase Two?' Tim asked excitedly, eyes glinting.

'Slow down, bro. We're not quite there yet. First, we have to address the issue of the fricking nanny not telling our dad what we did.'

'I suppose she only wants to get us to like her.' Emily guessed.

'Fat chance of _that _happening.' Katie snorted.

'Yeah! Nannies are yucky!' Tim stuck out his tongue.

'Why don't we just move on to Phase Two? We have over a hundred Phases in The Manual, she's bound to crack sometime soon.' Katie reasoned, smirking. 'I'm especially eager to try out Phase Fifty-One, we haven't gotten that far before.'

'I second that!' Emily's hand shot up into the air.

'Me too!' Tim and Tom raised their hands in unison.

'So it's settled?' Larry said. 'We just keep on throwing everything we have in our arsenal till she can't take it anymore?'

'YEAH!' they all chorused a little too loudly.

'Uh, oh. I hear footsteps.' Tyler alerted them all, and they quickly scrambled to their beds. The room where Tyler and Tim/Tom slept had two doors, one leading out to the main hallway and the other to Katie and Emily's room. Tyler, Katie and Emily sped out that door while Larry, Tim and Tom dove under their covers, and Tim even let out a few gentle snores that always fooled their Dad.

Tyler crouched behind Katie's doors as Katie burrowed under her covers and lay still. He waited silently for Dad to enter Larry/Tim/Tom's room. Tyler imagined his Dad peering into the dark room, whispering, 'Tim? Tom? Larry?' and getting no answer in return. He'd then close the door. Right on cue, he heard a door creak open.

His Dad made his nightly checkups now and then, and he always did them in this order: Larry/Tim/Tom's room first, then Lauren (though he'd probably skip that one tonight), then Tallulah/Emily, Katie and finally his own room.

He waited until his Dad's footsteps faded (on his way to Tallulah/Emily's room) before he gently eased the door open. Tiptoeing, he made his way to his room across the hallway, slipped in through the open doors and jumped into his bed.

--

**Bella's POV**

'No… it's… it's getting away!' I mumbled in my sleep, and tossed violently. 'Don't… the inflatable banana… it's coming… Santa Claus naked… nightmare…'

Tinkle.

'Shut up… nipple slips…'

Tinkle. Tinkle. Squeak.

'Mmmpshdhds… yes, I'm a natural brunette…'

CRASH BANG.

I was up in a flash, heart beating like some crazed drum. It could tell that it was really, really late, about two in the morning. Trying valiantly to see through the velvet darkness, my terrified fingers fumbled around as quietly as possible to try and find the switch for my bedside lamp. Oh, my God! What if it was a robber! Or maybe a psychotic rapist?

'Who's there?!' I squeaked, which probably wasn't a very smart thing to do. No one answered. The stillness of the night creeped me out. I felt a nameless dread.

Well, there's probably a long Polish name like chronicolopsitaphobia or something, but I don't speak Polish. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little plastic gizmos you use to close your bread bag. I don't know the name for those either.

Back to the break in.

My fingers found the switch, and I flipped it. Yellow light flooded the room. With a jolt of shock and alarm, the window was open. The curtains billowed in and out with every small gust of wind, looking very ethereal in the dim moonlight. Normally, I'd've paused for a moment to admire it, but something else was distracting me. Namely, a teenage girl passed out face down on my bedroom floor, her blonde hair fanning out around her head and her short, bright red miniskirt flipped up, exposing her La Perla G-string.

'Urgh.' I couldn't help but recoil in horror. The girl lifted her head, groaning. I stood there for several moments, staring at her. She was obviously stoned. There was a plastic rose and a broken comb tangled in her hair (no idea how it got there), and her eyes were watery.

'Hello.' she mumbled, blinking up at me.

'Lauren?!' I reeled in shock.

'That's my name!' she suddenly burst into uncontrollable giggles, and she stumbled up. I hurried over. 'Here, let me help you…' I gripped her arm and tugged her up. I was as perplexed as a hacker who was trying to access T:/983727\aronkwok but gets T:/0987987\Aaronson by mistake.

'OW!' she shrieked, and I jumped back, eyes wide. 'That hurt. Bitch.' she squinted at me. Her eyes were bloodshot too. To tell you the truth, she looked absolutely horrible. 'You're that nanny!' she gave me a hard poke in the chest, her manicured nail nearly nailing me on my nipple. 'Hahahaha!' she giggled. 'I poked your boob!'

'Lauren! What the hell are you doing out so late?'

'Isn't it obvious?' she stumbled over to my bed and sat down shakily. 'I love to paaaaaarty!' I hadn't noticed it before, but she had a half-empty Jack Daniels clutched in her right hand. Her breath stank like a skunk who'd just eaten Mexican food and had decided to lift up its tail and let rip.

'Lauren. You're only, what, fifteen? You're way too young to partying and drinking. And is that _smoke _I smell? Don't tell me you're a smoker!' I exclaimed in alarm. Lauren was toast. And not the light and buttery kind you eat at breakfast, either. The type of toast that's charred and blackened, the type you have to scratch off the bottom of your toaster because you left it in there for too long, and no amount of scraping the black bits off would help because there'd only be more black bits underneath. The kind of toast that even starved kids in Ethiopia would go near, the type that turns your tongue completely black if you dare to consume it.

Yeah, _that _kind of toast.

'Whatever!' she waved her hand. 'I'm going off to bed now.' she started humming loudly, and she staggered out of my room. I didn't bother to stop her. Needless to say, I felt pretty pissed. Wasn't she fretting if I was going to tell her Dad?

Muttering not-very-pleasant things under my breath, I climbed into bed and tried to go back to sleep.

* * *

**Author's Note: **FUN FUN FUN! Review please :D


	6. The One Where Bella Gets Tough

When I wake up the next morning, my eyes are majorly crusted over with what I call "eye shit", and I can't open them at all. They're completely jammed shut, and they freaking hurt. I gently tried to pry them open with my fingers, nudging them open but they stayed shut.

Groan.

This only ever happens if I wake up in the middle of the night after sleeping for more than two hours. It hurts. And when I say it hurts, I really do mean it hurts.

I swallowed, running my tongue over my teeth and dry lips. Urghhhh.

Wait, _why _did I wake up in the middle of the night, again? I attempted to open my eyes again, and this time they ripped open, and I let out a shriek of agony. 'Arrrrghh bleargh urghhhh…' OUCH. I think I may have uprooted several eyelashes in the process. I gingerly plucked off little crusty bits off my eyelids and look around blearily. What time is it? I peered at the luminous alarm clock on my bedside table (it's mine - the second hand's broken and it sort of dangles uselessly at the bottom of the clock. Depressing, I know). It's 8.00.

Eight o' clock. The time gave me a sharp lurch in my stomach. Why is eight o' clock on a Tuesday morning significant, again?

Oh. Something's tickling me. I brushed it off impatiently, and it stops tickling.

Yeah, I'm supposed to send those kids to school.

Shit fuck!

I lurched up, head spinning and groaning like I'd drunk ten crates of Jack Daniel's last night. Jesus, why do I feel so shitty? I reached out a hand to pull the bedcovers off myself, only to find that my fingers were gripping something rather squishy. My head swiveled around, and I screamed.

WORMS.

FRUCKING FRICKING WORMS. I had one in my grasp and it wriggled around desperately. It was brown, slimy and repulsive.

--

**Kid's POV**

Tim and Tom let out yells of triumph when they heard The Nanny's muffled scream of terror, giggling. 'We got her! We got her!' Tim's fingers were still muddy from digging in the earth an hour earlier. This time it was their turn to carry out Phase Two, and they were going to do it properly.

'How many worms did you put in her bed?' Larry asked, flipping over in his bed and grinning toothily. 'It had better be more than twenty.'

'We put in fifty-three, we counted.' Tim said gleefully. 'I wonder how she's going to get them all out.'

Larry guffawed. 'To top it all off, she's late. It's already eight oh three, I bet she won't have time to get us all to school in time. Tyler, Katie and Lauren's bus will have left by now.'

'She's going to be in _sooo _much trouble.'

'Shh! She's coming! Sleep!' Larry hissed loudly, and all three of them dived under the covers.

--

**Bella's POV**

I didn't have time to get rid of the worms. I just left them squiggling around on my bed covers, which were now stained brown with mud. I was shaking in disgust. I cannot fucking believe I just slept with worms. How long had they been there?? God! This was, undeniably, the work of those kids. What's their problem? Why the hell are they so intent on driving me out of here?

I felt my resolve harden. Well, the harder they try to kick me out, the more I'll want to stay. No matter what they throw at me. Be it slimy worms or disastrous grocery shopping trips.

Now to get them to school.

I ran down the stairs to the second floor, clomping and screaming, 'WAKE UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP!'

No one answered.

I crashed into a random room, and turned on the lights. 'Argh…' someone groaned. 'Turn off the fucking lights! Get the fuck out!'

'No fucking way.' I ripped apart curtains, pushing open windows. The early morning sunshine filtered through. It was time to be hard and tough. No more softie Bella, though I'm not sure when have I exactly been soft to them.

I turned to the bed. Glancing around the obscene posters of bikini-clad girls and frankly quite frightening looking goth bands on the black walls, I guessed that this was Tyler's room. It stank like a year-old sweaty gym sock. A glossy black laptop was still on and running in the corner, and there was a pretty rad electric guitar propped up proudly in the corner. Did he play in a band? To my utter horror and alarm, there was a red tank directly opposite of me, glinting evilly. Inside it was a simply gigantic snake. It was coiled around a withered tree branch, blinking it's beady eyes at me. Do snakes blink?

Carefully skirting the tank, I pushed the covers off. 'WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!'

I tried to ignore the fact that Tyler was half-naked, and I picked up his electric guitar off the ground. I have no idea how to play guitar, but seeing as it's still plugged in into the amplifier… I turned up some random dials on the amplifier and strummed gingerly. The noise it produced was staggering. It reverberated off the walls and I dropped the guitar. 'What the fuck-' Tyler jumped out of bed, seemingly wide awake. 'Don't touch my guitar!'

'Get ready for school!' I exited his room, trying the doorknob of another one. It was Tim/Tom/Larry's room this time. I did the same thing, flipping on switches and ripping curtains open. They didn't budge. Rage swelled up inside me. I mean, they were obviously faking it. Oh god, this was hard, not quitting there and then. But then that would mean that they win.

No way am I going to give them that satisfaction. No fucking way. The battle between Nanny and Kids have begun. And I will win. I WILL WIN.

A sudden urge to cackle maniacally and brandish a spear while letting out a war cry enveloped me. Whoa, got to tone down on that Warrior Princess thing. I watch too much TV.

Right.

I hurried over and pushed Larry down on the floor with no qualms at all. Larry let out a squeak, and he tumbled down to the floor, bedcovers and all. 'HEY! I WAS SLEEPING!'

'It's time for school!' I sing-songed, delighting in irritating them. Well, an eye for an eye, I guess. They went too far with the worms. There was a toilet across the hall, and I was struck with inspiration. Leaving behind a silently swearing Larry and a stationary Tim and Tom, I quickly filled up a bright red bucket with the coldest water imaginable. If my banshee-screams wouldn't get them up, this would definitely do the trick.

I went inside Larry/Tim/Tom's room again. I triumphantly poured a gentle trickle of water on Larry's face, soaking his duvet in the process. He jumped up, coughing and spluttering. 'You- you-' he blinked rapidly. Evidently, he couldn't find a word bad enough to describe me.

'Whatever,' I shook a hand dismissively. 'Get ready for school. If you're not downstairs in ten minutes, I leave without you. I mean it.'

'So what if I'm not down in ten minutes?' he challenged, face purpling in fury. 'YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! You can't tell me what to do! I don't care if I miss school! All the better for me!'

I rolled my eyes. Still lugging the bucket of water, I looked at him dead in the eye and said in one of the steeliest voices I have ever heard, 'If you are not downstairs in ten minutes, young Larry, I will march up to your headmistress and tell her that you did not want to go to school with no valid reason and MAKE her suspend you. And I'll be sure to tell your mother and father about the worms. Don't think I'm stupid, Larry. I know what's going on here.'

Larry paled significantly, cutting a rather sad figure in his drenched hair and pyjamas.

Feeling more powerful and energized then I ever had in years, I stalked out of his room and went to the next one.

Oh yeah.

--

Approximately nine minutes later, I'm downstairs in the kitchen, tapping my feet and waiting for the last kid (Lauren) to show up. I've made Tyler, Katie, Larry, Emily, Tim and Tom line up properly. Turns out Tallulah was already awake before all of us, and she'd waiting quietly downstairs, watching some Nickelodeon program on TV, listening to me waking them up upstairs.

I checked my watch. We were already five minutes late, but I didn't give a damn. It was them who were going to be late, not me. I was simply supposed to send them to school.

I couldn't help but grin inwardly as I surveyed them all, standing sullenly. All of them had damp hair/faces, and Emily was tugging gloomily at her stringy braids, having no time to blow dry and retie them. They all look kind of pathetic, actually. I kind of feel sorry for them. Maybe I shouldn't have used the cold water so liberally.

No. Stop it. NO PITY.

Lauren finally stumbled down a few more seconds later, pale fishy eyes flashing. I briefly recalled the little escapade she had last night and my smile tightened. Her eyes widened when she saw the silent row, and she let out a derisive snort. 'We're late.' she pointed out, looking at me in a very accusatory way.

'Not my fault.' I said, raising an eyebrow.

'I'm going to get fried by my World History teacher. She's teaching first period and she's a bitch.' she supplied, apparently expecting me to understand.

'Do I _look _like I care?'

'I'm going to tell Dad it's your fault we're late.' Lauren said relentlessly. My stomach tightened. That was true, but I wasn't going to let it faze me.

'Do whatever you want. Come on everyone, get in the SUV.'

They followed me, and I picked up the car keys, whistling rather cheerily.

--

I returned a half-hour later, completely refreshed and peppy. Don't know why. I'm not usually a morning person. I bounced upstairs, humming some tune I heard on the radio just now. To tell you the truth, driving an SUV full of quiet kids is a little unnerving.

But no matter!

My cheeriness visibly diminished as I saw the mess those stupid worms had created. They were still squiggling all over my bed. The duvet was beyond saving. I sighed heavily, and carefully avoided stepping on any of the worms. The red bucket I'd used earlier this morning was still in my room, and I used a tissue to pick up every worm, cringing as I did so.

Eughh, this is by far the most disgusting thing I have ever done.

Ah well, at least they didn't dump them all over my face when I was sleeping. Thank God for small mercies. I brought the bucket down to the garden, basking in the warm sunshine. Wow. Never realized they had such a fantastic garden before. There's flowers everywhere. Bright daises and tulips and bougainvilleas and tons of other flowers I don't know the name for. I dumped the worms on some random spot in a flower bed, and they wriggle helplessly.

'Stupid worms.' I said out loud.

'HELLO?' a woman's shrill voice called, and I snapped my head around in mild surprise. There, right behind the gate of the Cullen's house, was a young woman in her twenties, hair in a jaunty ponytail and waving cheerfully. Strangely enough, she had two pieces of luggages in tow. A yellow cab throbbed behind her. 'Are you Mrs. Cullen?'

I walked over, shaking my head. 'I'm the nanny. Can I help you?'

She widened her green eyes in surprise. 'You're the nanny?'

'Yup. Unfortunately. ' I added the last part as an afterthought.

'This _is _the Cullen's residence, right?' she scrabbled in her LV handbag and retrieved a crumpled Post It note. 'Yeah, right address.' she gave me an astonished glance.

'What's wrong?'

'I'm a professional nanny, and I've been sent by my agency here. I'm a bit late, I know. I was supposed to arrive two days earlier. ' she said, reaching behind and tugging on her ponytail, puzzled. 'But you're already here… what agency are you from?' she gives me a beady stare.

'Um…' I blanked out. Shit. Shit! 'Kingston Carey Friday's... Cabbage Patch.'

Well.

No idea where _that _came from.

'Kingston Carey Friday's Cabbage Patch?' she nodded in understanding. 'Yeah, I hear it's a pretty good one. The one in the city? Downtown?'

It exists? Kingston Carey Friday's Cabbage Patch?

No. Fucking. Way.

'Yeah.' I said confidently, hardly believing my luck.

'Well then… must have been a mistake back at the office, I guess.' she shrugged. 'Ah well. Nice meeting you. I'm Mariah, by the way.'

'I'm Isabella. Bye.' I waved as she disappeared into her waiting taxi.

Then it hit me. If I was so miserable here, why didn't I just take the chance and tell Mariah that the Cullens were all hers?!

God. Damn. It.

I considered calling her back, but she was already speeding away. Anyway, what would she think of me if I told her everything I just said was a lie, that I wasn't a professional nanny and I'd simply stumbled into this job because I was drunk and completely broke?

Exactly. And them hiring me can't be properly legal, either.

Shit, what have I gotten myself into?

Slightly dazed, I go back into the house, collapsing on the sofa, suddenly feeling very, very tired.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hope you liked it! Sorry for the long wait. Again, hectic schedule and exams are coming up! O:


	7. The One Where That Bitch Shows Up

**Author's Note: **Sorry I took so long! Anyway, I'd like to ask you guys (if you have nothing to do after reading this chapter) to head over to my profile and read this new story I have! It's called Alice In Wonderland and I'm sorry if this particular type of pleading is annoying. :D

* * *

**Kids' POV**

The hallways were completely devoid of any human life. Katie's rubber soles squeaked against the shiny floor, desperately trying to squeeze out droplets of water from her tangled hair. She didn't need a mirror to know she probably looked like death warmed over thrice.

'I'm so screwed.' Lauren, who lagging behind her and looking ready to murder someone, muttered. Even a few feet away Katie could smell her rank breath. She instinctively backed away, wrinkling her nose. Somehow, Lauren had found the time to smear on a little lip gloss and eyeliner before that Nanny sent them off to school. It still didn't manage to hide her bloodshot eyes and pale as milk skin. There were deep, purple bags under her eyes and she looked terrible. Tyler had simply disappeared, slouching off on his own.

Katie averted her eyes, not wanting to know what Lauren had done last night.

'You stink.' Katie said flatly.

'Whatever.' Lauren rolled her eyes, pretending not to care but obviously caring a lot indeed. 'I swear, I'm going to fucking kill that nanny the minute I get home.'

Katie flinched. She didn't really like the way Lauren casually threw around the F word like it was no big deal. If Dad caught her talking like that. 'Yeah, well, what's done is done.' she said gloomily, dreading the ridicule and sniggers she would have to face for showing up to school scraggly and messy. Actually, "scraggly and messy" was a staggering understatement.

'I'm off to World History.' Lauren waved her manicured hand dismissively. 'Later.'

'Later.'

Katie was amazed she managed to find Room 212 for Algebra. After what had happened this morning, the last thing she felt like doing was learning about coefficients.

She knocked on the door, bracing herself.

'Come in,' she heard her prim Algebra teacher call out from behind the door. She pushed it open, readjusting her satchel's strap on her shoulder.

Everyone's eyes swiveled around to look at her when she came in. Katie immediately flushed and her palms started sweating. The back of her neck burned and suddenly she was all-too-aware of her clumsily pinned up hair and her crusty eyes. She had also, Katie realized in horror, forgotten to brush her teeth.

'Why, Miss Cullen.' her Algebra teacher raised an eyebrow, voice dripping in sarcasm. 'Very kind of you to join this class -' she glanced down at her titanium watch. '- thirty minutes late.' she gave her a mocking smile.

_Bitch._

'Sorry.' Katie muttered, shuffling her feet. She could hear snickers and laughs go all around the room.

'Look at her _hair_!' someone whispered audibly.

Katie closed her eyes.

'What a friggin' _loser._' someone else replied scornfully.

'Please take a seat, Miss Cullen.'

Katie did so gladly, pushing past tables and chairs to get to the very back of the room. She placed herself in the last seat and tried not to make eye contact with anyone, burrowing deep into the warm, safe confines of her chair.

A girl called Jeanette turned around in her seat, fully gawping at her damp state. 'Why're you wet?' she asked blankly. Jeanette was a strange girl, with her Coke bottle glasses that belonged in 1982 and a serious overbite.

'Dunno,' Katie shrugged, tryign to seem like she was unfazed, and failing miserably.

She stared past Jeanette's confused head and at her Algebra teacher, wishing very much that the ground split apart and swallow her in.

--

**Still Kids' POV :O**

'I'm finally all dry!' Emily announced, flouncing over to table number 15 in the cafeteria. Tim, Tom, Larry and Emily had already marked number 15 as their table and their table only. 'Hand dryer in the girl's bathroom,' Emily offered an explanation, when Tim. Tom and Larry gave her scandalized looks.

Emily dumped her red plastic tray onto the table, hopped in her hard seat and started wolfing down her lunch. Not even disgusting lunch food could deter her appetite today, when Emily hadn't eaten any breakfast this morning.

'Ours is broken.' Larry said disconsolately, slumping against the wooden table. Students milled past their table, occasionally saying hi or hello to Larry/Tim/Tom/Emily.

'Yeah, someone stuffed this huge wad of playdoh up in its nozzle blowy thing.' Tim supplied. 'Everyone was telling me today that I'd wet my pants.' he pouted, gesturing at the slowly-drying spot on his crotch, speech a little muffled by the blue straw in his mouth.

'You know who's to blame for this, don't you?' Larry growled, banging his fist on the table, looking around number 15. The four of them always sat together at recess. Tim and Tom nodded enthusiastically.

'Nanny no. 26!' they chorused.

'And what - bleargh, I don't even have the energy to pep ourselves up anymore.' Larry groaned, rubbing his sore eyes with his fingers wearily. Emily gave him a sympathetic pat on his wet back.

'I wonder what Dad'll say.' Emily wondered.

'I hope he fires her!' Tim said.

'Unlikely.'

'He'll probably stick up for her.' Larry groaned. 'You know how he hates looking for other nannies. We've kind of gained a reputation in the Nanny World.' he grinned despite himself.

'It's all up to ourselves.'

'Why don't we just give up?' Tom said in a small voice. All three heads whipped around to stare.

'Haha, funny!' Emily laughed. 'Good one.'

'I don't think he's kidding, Em.' Larry said in hushed tones, eyes wide.

'I mean… she doesn't seem scared!' Tom defended himself, wishing he'd never spoken up in the first place. 'And if the Nanny is going to wake us up like this every morning then I'd rather stop.' he looked close to tears.

Larry gave him a disgusted look. 'Can't believe you're backing down! We're all in this together, right? As cheesy as it sounds.'

'Yeah, but…' Tom trailed off.

'We're family!' Tim protested. 'If we're bringing a Nanny down, everyone's got to chip in, right? I mean, you came up with thirty-three out of hundred plus phases in the Manual!' he gesticulated wildly with his chocolatey hands.

Tom perked up slightly. He'd always been rather proud of that fact.

'Wait, wait! I've got an idea.' Larry halted all conversation, eyes lighting up. 'Why don't we swear on it?'

'Alright!'

Larry spat in his hand, and held it out. Tim and Tom both did the same cheerily, making sure to make their spit extra snotty and sticky. Emily looked revolted. 'Please, not the spit handshake.' she pleaded.

Larry gave her a look.

Emily reluctantly spat into her hand, shuddering.

'Shake on it.' Larry instructed.

They did so. Emily was the only one who didn't quite enjoy feeling warm spit squishing through their grubby fingers.

'I solemnly swear to pledge myself to the cause of destroying, annihilating and obliterating Nanny no. 26. I swear not to rest until she is driven insane. I vow to never rest until she is completely demolished. I promise -' Larry got a little too enthusiastic.

'Okay, I think that's enough.' Emily interrupted, slightly nervous.

'Fine.' Larry rolled his eyes. Girls.

Their hands loosened, and Tom playfully smeared his spitty palm on Tim's cheek, who immediately shrieked in repulsion. 'Eughh!' Emily squealed, quickly picking up her cleared lunch tray and hurrying away before she would get a palmful of a concoction of Tim/Tom/Larry/Emily's spit.

--

**Bella's POV**

I got to Tallulah on time this time.

A different teacher was waiting at the gates today. She had a fantastic unibrow and her hair was tied up in buns on either side of her head, Princess Leia style. It was her expression that scared me, though. Shudder. If this is what kindergarten teachers look like these days…

'Hey, Tallulah.' she climbed into the front seat and buckled herself down, smiling timidly. 'Hi, Miss Bella.' she said

'Just Bella's fine.' I waved my hand and put them back on the steering wheel.

'Um…' she started as I started driving away, humming under my breath. 'I missed my piano lesson yesterday.'

Huh?

'You forgot about it, and I didn't really want to remind you.' Tallulah said.

'Shit. Er, I mean, shoot.' I sighed, feeling dejected. God, I really was the shittiest nanny in the world.

'It's okay, I guess.' Tallulah shrugged, giggling. 'I don't really like piano anyway.'

'Why not?' I asked distractedly.

'I didn't want to play piano, Aunty Jessica forced me to play.' Tallulah said, blinking her huge emerald eyes. 'It's boring.'

'Jessica forced you to play?' I said, horrified. What kind of monster _was _this woman?

'Yeah, she told me every girl should learn how to play piano. She made Katie buy a bra, too.' Tallulah, evidently terrified she had let out too much, fell silent.

'She made Katie buy a bra.' I repeated. Tallulah blushed, letting out a nervous laugh.

'Katie didn't want to. There was this horrible row.'

'Ah, I see.'

'And she wanted Larry to play the violin!'

I laughed out loud this time. Seriously, beefy, sweaty Larry playing the violin? 'No way.'

'Yes way!'

I pulled into the driveway, clucking my tongue. 'Terrible.'

'I know!'

Tallulah hopped off the SUV, looking cheery. 'Sorry they're being mean to you.' she offered an apology. She didn't have to explain who she was talking about, it was obvious by the rueful tone of her voice.

'That's okay. It's not your fault, anyway.' my mood soured a little when I thought of those plotting, scheming, devious, crafty, cunning…

'Hello there.' a clipped voice cut through my reverie. I looked up. A stern woman with curly brown hair to die for and a curvy figure was standing in front of the door, hands crossed and observing me with a rather peculiar expression. She was wearing a boring black turtleneck (in the middle of July?) and some classy white pants.

'Er… hello.' I stared enviously at her chestnut hair. They looked so glossy and bouncy. Her head flicked back a little, and they shimmered. I was transfixed. I have a rather unhealthy case of hair-envy. My own hair is an indiscernible shade of red and brown and rather uncontrollable. I unconsciously reached up to touch my mop of frizzes. The woman smirked slightly, and I flushed, quickly bringing my hand down.

'I'm Isabella Swan.' I helpfully (or not) introduced myself. I waited for her to reply.

Pause.

'What're you doing here?' I asked stupidly.

'She's Jessica.' Tallulah stage-whispered. 'Jessica Stanley, remember?'

Oh.

_Oh._

'Um, how do you do, Jessica?' I reached out a hand, wanting to seem friendly. Inside, I was mentally analyzing her, from the tortoiseshell clip in her hair to the brown, completely unsexy loafers she was wearing. Loafers? Freaking loafers? She could do _wayy_ better.

She merely gave my hand a swift glance. My hand shriveled and retreated back to my sides. Hmph.

'Hi, Aunt Jessica.' Tallulah greeted her.

Jessica nodded at her too. I waited for her to at least pick Tallulah up, maybe give her a kiss on her cheek or something, asking about her day at kindergarten but she didn't do anything at all. God. And these kids were stuck with her for a step-mother?

I almost felt sorry for them.

Well. Almost.

'Well…' I started awkwardly. I tend to babble when there's stilted conversation, like right now, for instance. 'I should… get inside…'

Thankfully, Jessica moved a few inches out of the way, eyes still narrowed and calculating.

Jesus, this woman was creepy. And why the heck was she here? Wasn't she supposed to be at work, or something?

I gently led Tallulah to the kitchen, pulling her up on the table for her to sit. 'I'll get you lunch, alright -'

'Children do not sit on the table.' Jessica said sharply, entering the kitchen so abruptly I jumped. Oh, my God.

'Erm, okay.' I hurriedly lifted Tallulah off. She followed me.

'You let Tallulah leave dirty shoe marks all over the floor just now. You should've made her wipe her shoes on the mat prepared outside.' Jessica said, matter-of-fact.

'Um…'

'You're supposed to already have prepared lunch for Tallulah.' she informed me.

'I, um, I'm preparing it now, I guess.'

'You _guess?'_ Jessica repeated.

I was beginning to feel annoyed now. Hey, who was the nanny around here, her or me? Granted, she was the step mom and had practically every right to correct me, but still…

Tallulah simply followed our exchange of words with mild interest.

'What are you making?' Jessica raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow.

'I'm making… dunno, instant noodles, I s'pose-'

'Instant noodles.' Jessica cut through my speech. 'Instant noodles.'

'Yeah,' I nodded defiantly.

'You're making instant noodles for a growing child for her lunch, the second most important meal of a day.' Jessica said in a monotone.

'I like instant noodles.' Tallulah piped up, wanting to help.

'You know what would be a good lunch for a girl like Tallulah? Some organic noodles, a bowlful of gently crushed avocado with tomatoes and some cottage cheese with celery sticks.'

'What's the problem with instant noodles?' I snapped, and I wondered what she would've said if she's seen the oily chips and meat patties I'd made for her yesterday. She's probably have a coronary. No, she'd choke all the chips and meat patties out of Tallulah before having a coronary.

'And you claim to be a professional nanny.' Jessica ignored my question.

'YES I AM.' I growled through gritted teeth. God, I'd like to rip out handfuls of her hair right now. My palms are practically itching to grab ahold of her locks.

'You are clearly unfit to be a nanny.' Jessica decided.

I flared up, which was probably unwise, since she was the soon-to-be wife of my employer. 'So you're saying I have to be an uptight bitch to be a good nanny?'

'LANGUAGE!' she shrieked in horror, immediately running over and covering Tallulah's ears. I rolled my eyes. As if that was any help.

'It's just a word. Besides, she's going to start saying it when she's twelve anyway.'

'Good God.' Jessica breathed through her nose. 'They told me you were inexperienced, but I had no idea…'

'Who told you I was inexperienced?' I asked interestedly.

'Lauren!'

Huh.

'When?'

'She saw how nervous you were when you were first introduced to the kids and she gave me a warning. She _told _me to step in and help, but if I'd known things were this bad around here…' she sucked in a sharp breath and gave me a death glare.

'And the state of the house when I came in!'

'I was going to get to cleaning the house today!' I said defensively. 'God, just let me do things my way, won't you?'

'Isabella Swan.' she said my full name, nostrils flaring rather unattractively. 'I have to get going now, I was supposed to be back at my office last hour, but I will come back to check up on you. I see I'll have to teach you what real nannies are like…' she mused, and strode out of the kitchen. Tallulah giggled once she was out of the room.

In the distance, I could hear the sound of Jessica walking out of the front door and shutting it behind her. Good riddance.

'Is she always like that?' I asked Tallulah, lifting her up once again on the kitchen countertop and reaching for a packet of instant noodles, almost defiantly.

'Worse.' Tallulah promised, tapping her stockinged feet against the table.

How the hell could a hot piece like Edward Cullen had fallen for Ms. Nazi?

I remembered the way her chin had wobbled rather obscenely when she got all heated up over stupid instant noodles.

Huh. Must be her hair, then.


	8. The One Where Something Shocking Happens

**Author's Note: **I'm feeling pretty depressed by now. I'm sure plenty of you guys have already heard about Daddy's Little Cannibal. I've heard of her before (I'm sure everyone has) but I never really got to reading her stories until I heard the devastating news. I kind of wish I _did _read/review stories: she sounds like a wonderful person ): I dunno, it's just disturbing. Can't really stop thinking about it. I just found out today and I was gob smacked!

RIP, Daddy's Little Cannibal [Stephenie]

* * *

**Bella's POV**

_**Five hours later**_

Snore.

Mmpghhgh.

Zzzz….

This couch is _sooo_ blissful. I briefly considered smuggling it out of the Cullen's household for a moment, and decided that that it was probably too bold a move.

I wonder how long I've slept for.

I open one eye lazily, sighing in pleasure. I snuggled deeper into the squishy folds of this really awesome tiger shaped pillow and let out little moans. Seriously, this couch should be called the Orgasm Couch. It's in one of the TV rooms in the Cullen's house. Yes, a TV room! And there's two! TWO!

Who the hell needs two TV rooms, I ask you?

It's not any ordinary TV room, either. It's a home theatre! There's two huge speakers guarding a humongous flat screen on the wall. It's those type of electronic equipment I'm terrified of going near because one touch of my accursed finger and the whole thing'll predictably fall apart. I bet its' price is equivalent to the GDP of a small country, too.

I'm only napping because I've done all my nanny duties for now. I know exactly (kind of) what the kids are doing.

1. Tim/Tom/Emily are in their room, probably plotting my eventual downfall.

2. Larry's just come back from band practice and he's having a shower upstairs.

3. Katie locked herself in her room first thing after she came home, giving me a very dirty look in the process.

4. Tyler's making the whole house vibrate with his endless guitar riffs (are they called riffs?) and strumming. Good thing the TV room's soundproof. Soundproof!

5. Lauren still isn't back from cheerleading practice yet. She was supposed to return an hour ago. Ah well, what am I supposed to do?

6. Tallulah's being her usual sweet self, having a nap on the couch outside in the living room.

And I deserve this rest, really, though I know it's probably not wise to sleep whilst the kids are prowling. I'm utterly knackered. And it isn't even six yet. I've already been grocery shopping (by myself this time) and cooked dinner (just some simple spaghetti bolognaise).

I reached up to scratch my head drowsily, and one of my fingers stuck itself in something very, very sticky and soft.

What the…?

I tugged on it.

Ow.

Damn, it hurts.

More of the gooey stuff sticks in my horrified fingers.

This _has _to be the kids' work! Damnit, I knew I shouldn't have fallen asleep defenseless! I attempted to remove the substance, trying to guess what it was. MY HAIR IS RUINED! I thought of Mrs. Nazi's own glossy locks, and scowled uncontrollably.

In a flash, I realized what it was.

Bubblegum.

So much of it that my head is virtually glued to the tiger pillow.

GLUED TO THE TIGER PILLOW.

Glued. To. The. Fucking. Tiger. Pillow.

'Arghh!' I screamed, ripping my head up, and paused to shriek in pain. Gosh, I might've plucked out several hairs. I turned around to look at the tiger pillow. Okay, maybe not just a few strands.

Welp, this is it.

They're dead.

DEAD.

I caught sight of myself in the reflection of the flat screen and gasped. My whole head was a mushroom of pink, most probably BubbleYum bubblegum. Original flavor.

See now, this isn't good.

Lucky for me I have a proper solution.

--

I dipped my finger in a small jar of sweet-smelling peanut butter, wincing slightly at it's ickyness. I haven't really tried this before but I've heard - or read - before from some unknown source that peanut butter makes the bubblegum slide right out.

There's so much bubblegum on my head now that my neck is actually aching from the extra weight. Eughh, and to think that I have their spit mixed in with my hair.

I carefully smeared some peanut butter onto the worst-hit part of my hair, gingerly sliding it onto the huge wad of slimy bubblegum.

If this doesn't work, I don't know what else will.

To my surprise, it slides right out.

I stared at the removed piece of bubblegum in my hand, flabbergasted. It's that easy?

Ha! Haha! I've foiled their plan!

I enthusiastically get more peanut butter, scraping it out with a knife and quite literally buttering the top of my head with it. These kids don't know who they're up against!

--

**Kids' POV**

Emily was lying amidst a sea of BubbleYum wrappers, giggling out loud when she heard The Nanny shriek from downstairs. 'She's woken up!'

'I hope ten sticks were enough.' Larry snickered, jaw quite sore after all that bubblegum chewing. He touched it gingerly, sucking the insides of his cheeks and tasting the sugary sweetness of BubbleYum.

'Duh! Remember how I had to cut off this huge part of my hair when Tom "accidentally" -' Emily gave said person a glare, and he pulled a gruesome face in retaliation. '- spat his bubblegum ín it a few months ago?'

Katie poked her head around the doors. 'I heard the scream. Was that phase 12 - the bubblegum one?' she flung herself onto Tim's bed, tickling him under his armpits.

'Yeah. Emily had the honor of putting the bubblegum in her hair.'

'Can I do the next one?' Katie asked interestedly, lugging the Manual out from its oh-so-convenient hideyhole.

'Sure.'

Katie flicked the yellowed pages. 'Ah, phase 13. Always a fun one.'

'The snake?' Larry screwed up his eyes.

'That's the one, Larry-O.'

'We'll leave that one till later. How about phase 18?'

Katie flipped furiously. 'Oh yeah. Good one. That'll land her in serious trouble. We'll need Lauren for this, though. And judging by the way she's been acting lately, I don't think she'll be interested.' Katie frowned. Lauren had been distancing her from them more and more lately, until the point where Katie hardly ever saw Lauren anymore, except maybe a few glimpses at school when she was huddled around with her cheerleader friends in the field during cheerleading practice. Katie never went up to attempt to talk to her; Lauren would kill Katie for embarrassing her in front of her bitchy clique.

Not that Katie cared.

'Yeah, Lauren's been acting weird lately, hasn't she?' Emily commented, trying to make her voice sound casual and uncaring.

Katie shrugged her skinny shoulders. 'Who cares about her, anyway?' she said flippantly.

There was a brief moment of silence. Tim and Tom exchanged uncomfortable glances and cleared their throats.

'All right!' Larry forced a cheery voice. 'So…'

'Oh! Oh! How about phase 25?'

'Yes!' Emily's face lit up in ecstasy. 'That's sure to jolt her.'

They high-fived each other, grinning evilly. This was just what they did best. 'Who's going to take the embarrassing picture?'

'I will!' Tim raised his hand excitedly.

'Nah, not you, you always get your fingers in the way of the camera lenses, and besides, your pictures are always blurry.'

'Aw man! Let me try, at least.'

'How about Katie.'

She shrugged. 'I'll do it when I spot the perfect opportunity. Oh, and Jessica's coming over tonight for dinner.'

'What! But she just came by a few days ago!'

'What the hell…'

'I hate her.'

'I know!'

Larry groaned. 'You _know _what she expects us to dress like for dinner. All those stupid stiff-collared shirts and bow ties.'

'Well, _I'm _not dressing up for some stupid dinner.' Tim crossed his arms.

'Bad decision.' Emily warned. 'Remember what Jessica did to Tyler when he didn't put on his best shirt and pants?' she winced.

They all shuddered collectively. 'Nightmare, her.' Katie said hoarsely.

The rest nodded mutely.

--

**Bella's POV**

There, the last of the bubble gum's out. I triumphantly flicked the last of the bubblegum into a waste bin and laughed. Haha!

I peered out the window. Ooh, it's getting quite late. Edward should be back at any moment now. Better get dinner ready.

I moved to the dining table, whistling merrily, when something so shocking happens I stopped dead in my tracks, staring.

Is that… Larry?

He entered the kitchen miserably, giving me a baleful look. I'm too frightened by what I'm seeing to give a shit. Larry, big beefy sweaty Larry Cullen, is wearing a white, collared shirt with a red bowtie resting on his neck, which is beginning to chafe from the stiff collar. The sleeves are long and buttoned. His hair is actually _neat._ He's wearing properly pressed pants.

I'm in shock.

'What?' he spat poisonously. 'Stop gawping. And…' he stared at my bubblegum-less hair. 'Where's the bubblegum gone?' he asked stupidly.

Tim, Tom and Emily come trudging in. Emily is wearing a satin dress and there's an annoyingly perky ribbon in her combed hair. Tim and Tom look like carbon copies of Larry.

They look like something out of a 1970's family sitcom.

'Well.' is all I can manage.

'Jessica's coming over.' Emily said succinctly, rolling her eyes. Tallulah was holding Emily's hand, looking adorably cute in a pink, frilly dress that was apparently giving her a bad itch in the behind.

Katie and Tyler filed in. Tyler's wearing the same as Larry, except his shirt appeared to be missing a few buttons, the bow tie was askew and his pants were very wrinkled. He didn't seem to care, though. Katie was wearing a white, stiff shirt too, but with a wide, knee-length black skirt.

God, this is creepy. If it weren't for the grumpy expressions on their faces that proved that they were, indeed, the original Cullen children I'd run out screaming hysterically about alien abductions and that The End Was Near. But Jessica coming over might be a plausible explanation, though.

Before I could get the spaghetti out, I heard the faint jangling of keys and the thud of footsteps in the hallway.

'Jessica's not going to like you like that.' Katie said, somewhat gleefully. I looked down at my shirt and shorts. I have conspicuous peanut butter stains on them, and I smell like stale bubble gum. There are sweat pits under my armpits and my hair is a mess.

'Uh oh.' I muttered. I sense that something bad and potentially embarrassing is going to happen.

I'm frozen in place as Jessica and Edward come in the kitchen. Jessica actually has a radiant smile on her face and the change is staggering. She's hanging onto Edward's arm and she lets out a laugh at something Edward told her a second ago. Ah well, I suppose being near the human version of Adonis can do that to you. Can't blame her.

Well yes, actually I can.

'Hello, children!' she trilled, waving.

The children, obviously astonished by Jessica's drastically changed mood, mumbled their hello's back. Jessica doesn't seem to mind.

'Oh, hello, Bella.' Edward acknowledged me. Mmm. Delicious. I give him a little smile. 'Hey, where's Lauren?'

'At her friend's house, going over her Latin.' Katie said in a monotone.

I glanced at her. I wonder if that's what Lauren told Katie to say? God, that girl's trouble.

'How nice to see you kids have gotten ready!' Jessica cooed. It's rather sickening, really. Is this just an act she puts up for Edward to see.

'And Bella! I remember our brief little meeting earlier this morning.' Jessica came over and gave me a hug. I simply stood there. 'How nice to see you again.'

'Yeah, nice to see you too.' I muttered, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

'What's going on?' Tyler asked suspiciously.

'Why, do we need a reason to be happy?' Edward grinned, showing off his white teeth. 'Hi, kiddo.' he ruffled Tim and Tom's hair. I could see by their looks of delight just how much they adored their daddy. Sweet.

'What's for dinner?' Emily said in a bored voice.

'I made spaghetti bolognaise.' I said, heart sinking. I get the feeling Jessica only ever approves of organic and healthy food, and my spaghetti certainly isn't healthy in the least. In fact, I put a ton of grated cheddar cheese on top.

'That's wonderful!' Jessica clapped her hands, beaming.

I looked around the dinner table. It's the kids' turn to be shocked now. They stared at Jessica as though they'd never seen her before in their lives.

'Did you get a personality transplant?' Tyler demanded.

'Tyler!' Edward admonished. 'Come, let's all have dinner! And some red wine to celebrate!'

--

I twirled the spaghetti with my fork, watching the sauce ooze around the plate. I've lost my appetite, it seems. The rest of the table is as despondent as I am, save for Edward and Jessica. Both of them are sitting at the head of the table, giggling (mostly Jessica) and touching each other very.. Intimately.

I've already seen Jessica's hand disappear under the table to caress Edward more than once. I don't know the specifics, but even I don't have to ask to know exactly where Jessica is touching.

Eughh.

The kids have noticed too, and Tim and Tom take turns projectile vomiting whenever Jessica's hand gropes. The both of them have drunk a fair bit of Merlot, and Jessica's rather pink.

'Please excuse me.' I said, standing up and sighing. I could use a good rest right now.

'Oh no! Please stay a few more minutes, Brianna!' Jessica said in a high-pitched voice. 'We've got - hic - news!'

I sit back down reluctantly, tapping my fingers against the polished table.

'Kids…' Edward put down his wine glass, smiling widely. 'Boy, do we have news for you!'

'What is it, daddy?' Tallulah leaned forward in her seat.

'Show them, Jess.' Edward stroked her hair tenderly (see, I knew it was her hair!). Jessica nodded consentingly, a nauseatingly wide smile on her face.

'Make it quick!' Larry said, looking mildly interested.

Jessica proffered her pale white hand, splaying her delicate fingers wide open and wiggling them.

'Oh God.' Katie slumped back in her chair, burying her face in her hands and breathing rather heavily. The rest of them are equally horrified, though Tim, Tom and Tallulah are puzzled. Tyler contemplated Jessica's hand silently and proceeded to steal Jessica's wine glass to take a big mouthful.

I'm stumped at first. What, did she get a new hand or a manicure?

Then I saw the ring.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Dun, dun, dun!!!!!!!!!!


	9. The One Where They Get Freaky

**Bella's POV**

As much as I hated to admit it, the ring was beautiful. Probably around two carats. A sparkly diamond carved in the shape of a long rectangle was set in the middle of the ring, and under the bright lights Jessica nearly blinded me as she turned her hand this way and that, smiling in an unbearably smug way. I stared at it from across the table, still feeling shell-shocked.

'Isn't it wonderful?' Jessica gushed. I frowned. Was she stupid, or what? Couldn't she see how Katie was hyperventilating just a few seats away from her? Was she blind to Tyler's incessant draining of her wine glass?

'It's a ring.' Tim stated, looking puzzled.

'We're getting married, Tim.' Edward gave him a huge beam.

'You're getting married?!' Tom pushed his chair back and stood up.

'_Married?' _Tallulah repeated, eyes widening in horror. 'Is that when Jessica moves in with us?'

'But it's fantastic news, Tally!' Edward gave an uncomfortable laugh. I got the feeling this wasn't exactly the reaction he was expecting. Well, what _did _he expect? That his kids would cheer in exultance and give Jessica ecstatic kisses on her cheeks? Was he really that impervious to Jessica's bitchiness? Even I could see that the kids detested Jessica, and I'd only been their nanny for three days.

The rest of the table was silent.

'Well now, this is rude.' Jessica placed both hands on her hips. 'Don't you kids think it would be proper to at least be a little more enthusiastic than this?'

They didn't reply.

If this were a movie, the cricket sounds would be going into overdrive now. I was beginning to fidget in my seat. I'm not a very big fan of awkward silences, as you probably know by now.

'Um.' I cleared my throat. 'Congratulations, Jessica.' well, what else was there to say?

She smiled tightly. 'Thank you very much, Breslin.'

'Darlings, what's wrong?' Edward asked, concerned, putting his arm around Katie. I glanced over. To my horror, tears were seeping out from under her eyelids.

'I'm just… too happy.' Katie choked out a half-hearted smile.

'Then I think a celebration is in order!' Edward said, uncertain, running his strong-looking hands through his coppery hair. I suppose they deserve each other. Both of them have utterly amazing follicles. Ahem.

'Sorry honey, but my mood's completely been killed.' Jessica was tight-lipped now, and she discreetly glared at the kids, as though it was entirely their fault. Was there no end to her constant bitchiness?

'Oh, come on!' Edward reached over and enveloped her in a hug. Jessica stayed stiff as marble, unresponsive in Edward's (most probably) strong grip.

'Can we go now?' Emily interrupted, concentrating on her dirty plate.

_Crash bang._

'What the-' Edward started for the living room.

'It's Lauren.' Katie supplied dully.

Sure enough, Lauren staggered into the kitchen, looking more haggard than drunk. God, where the heck was she really at? 'Hello.' she mumbled, lifting up her eyes blearily to greet her father and soon-to-be mother. 'I'll be up in my room…'

'What about dinner?'

'I've already eaten.'

'I have news, Lauren.' Edward began, but Lauren had already disappeared up the stairs, coughing and hacking like an eighty-year-old compulsive smoker as she went.

'Ah well, you guys tell her.' Edward sighed, looking worried. 'Emily, Larry, you two are on dishes tonight.' The two chosen ones groaned.

'I'll help.' I stood up, brushing imaginary lint off my shorts. Jessica eyed said shorts evilly, clearly disapproving this particular thigh-baring item of clothing. I immediately resolved to wear it more.

'I'll be upstairs in my room, too.' Katie pushed back her chair and went for the stairs, looking a little green.

'Likewise.' Tyler muttered.

Tim, Tom and Tallulah went off on their own after clearing their plates dutifully, still looking a little bewildered. This is the closest I'll ever get to seeing them acting like kids, I bet.

Rather numbed, I lifted a few dirty dishes into the sink and started scrubbing mindlessly. Emily and Larry joined me, both of them not even talking to each other, much less making idle conversation with me.

Scrub, scrub.

Rub, rub.

Splishy splashy.

Squeaky clean.

Sigh.

--

We've been scrubbing freaking dishes for twenty minutes now and neither one of them have uttered a syllable. My fingers were beginning to prune up from the prolonged contact with soapy water. I stared at the wrinkles distractedly, flipping my palms up to study them.

'So…' I broke the silence.

Scrub, scrub.

'They're getting married, huh?'

'Will you please just shut up?' Larry snapped venomously, slamming down the fork in his hand he had been obsessively drying for ten minutes.

'I-'

'You have no idea what we're going through right now, okay?' Emily gave a half-scream, half-shriek.

'I do, actually.' I said, deadpan. 'My mum and dad divorced when I was about your age. Charlie and Renee. And Charlie almost, _almost _married this horrible bitch when I was thirteen. Though she wasn't nearly as bad as Jessica.' I gave an involuntary shudder.

Emily and Larry didn't say anything else in retaliation. I guess they were sort of appeased that I hated Jessica just as much as they did.

Okay, maybe not that much. But a lot, just the same.

'Sometimes I just want to murder Dad.' Emily murmured.

'Em!'

'I'm serious! Aren't you getting tired of this? It's like Dad _has _to like every single nanny he comes across.' Emily shot me a glare, and sidled over to Larry, as if I was carrying some contagious disease, or smelled like rancid dog shit dipped in baby vomit that was five days old, or even a grandma wearing Madonna's cone bra. Ew. The visuals I put in my own head…

'Every single nanny?' I repeated. 'But haven't you guys already had twenty?'

'Twenty-five.' Larry corrected. 'You're the twenty-sixth.'

'And you guys honestly think that he'd like me?' I demanded. 'He's getting married to Jessica now, isn't he?' they both cringed simultaneously.

'You never know when he'll change his mind.' Emily said glumly. 'He's changed his mind about the last twenty-four. What do _you _know, anyway?' she shot at me rudely.

'You know what?' I put down a soapy spoon, and turned to face them both. 'I promise - and when I say "I promise", I really do mean it - to never, ever, let your Dad like me or even to let myself like him.' this could be a potentially dangerous promise, but…

'Yeah.' Emily snorted derisively. 'Like that'll happen.'

'I'm serious!'

'We don't believe you.' Larry said bluntly. 'And even if you were telling the truth, what difference does it make?'

'We still hate you.'

'I - ah, never mind.' I sighed. Nothing I ever said could change these kids, apparently.

The pressing silence returned, and I continued cleaning the last of the dishes, a thousand things running through my mind.

--

**Kids' POV**

Katie, breathless and slightly dizzy, knocked on Lauren's tightly sealed door. A plaster sign with her name painstakingly carved on it hung on the door. It was blue and pink, two of Lauren's favorite colors. Katie had been the one who had given Lauren the sign for her twelfth birthday. Katie scowled at the sign, and turned it over to avoid looking at it.

Katie knocked more urgently now, rapid raps on wood.

'LAUREN!' she yelled.

'WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?' Lauren opened the door furiously, and glared at Katie through slitted, eyeliner-smeared eyes. She still hadn't changed out of her skimpy tank top and her crumpled miniskirt.

'I have something to tell you.' Katie said succinctly, pushing past Lauren and going into her room. It was a frightening mess, even by Katie's standards, and Katie was no stranger to messes. It was inevitable, especially if you lived with Tim and Tom. Multiple bras (when had Lauren gotten that lacy red one draped over her laptop?) were scattered all over her room, her bed was stained and it looked like it hadn't been cleaned in days, books were lying on the floor, a half-eaten grain bar was lying innocently smack-bang in the middle of a chocolate rug.

'Your room's a mess.'

'Is that all?' Lauren said snidely. 'Go away, I have stuff to do.'

'What stuff?' Katie turned around and fixed her older and near-unrecognizable sister with a steady stare.

'None of your business.' Lauren spat evasively.

Katie scrutinized Lauren sadly. She wasn't sure exactly when Lauren began acting like this, but it had been only recently. She wasn't sure what to make of this new Lauren, this new party-going, booze-drinking, cigarette-smoking (Katie could smell it on her breath) Lauren. She looked like a whole new person, and not in a wholly good way.

'Dad and Jessica are getting married.' she said softly, crossing her arms.

Lauren stood still, eyes flashing in alarm and reeling in shock. It was only for a brief second, but Katie saw it all. 'That's it?' she said, rolling her eyes, composing herself. 'God, will you just get out already?'

The old Lauren would've immediately invited Katie over for a sleepover and had a long, sisterly, maybe even bitchy talk with her about Jessica, hugging her and consoling each other than maybe this wouldn't be as bad as they thought it would be. Lauren would've made her feel a whole lot better.

'Okay.' Katie numbly stepped out of Lauren's room. The door slammed shut behind her, and Katie was left standing outside Lauren's room for a long time. She turned around, looked at the plaster sign, and in a brief whirl of rage and fury (mostly directed at Dad and the world) she ripped it off, broke it into two and ran away.

--

**Bella's POV**

I'm bored.

Seriously, isn't there anything better to do in this house than stare blindly at a National Geographic programme about the copulation habits of moose on TV?

This is what I've been reduced to.

I felt my eyelids drooping. The couch seemed awfully soft and comfortable now…

Bella. Remember the bubblegum incident? This isn't a wise thing to do… not to mention that I haven't taken a bath since this morning and my hair still smelled of bubblegum and peanut butter and I was sticky with sweat and grime.

I snuggled deeper into a fluffy pillow, having a Couch Orgasm. Bliss.

--

_Crash bang._

'Mmmpgh…' someone whispered.

I ignored it.

The sound of something glass falling to the ground jolted me awake. I froze in my sleeping position, What the -

_Ping. Bang._

I sat up straight immediately, heart thumping. That was something. That was… something. It was most definitely not nothing.

Oh God, someone is in the house.

I grabbed a nearly golf club, trying to see in the dark. Someone had turned off the lights. Oh, a cunning robber indeed.

Okay, don't make any assumptions yet, Bells. Remember when you thought Lauren was a mass murdered slash robber and that she was going to kill you in your bed?

Another small crash.

It's coming from the kitchen.

I twirled the golf club experimentally in my shaking fingers. It felt heavy and secure in my terrified and sweaty grip. Okay, so a nice, firm swing to the groin when I see him, and maybe a club to the head.

I tiptoed to the kitchen slowly, trying not to trip over anything. Instead, I manage to bang my shin, stub my toe and graze my shoulder on various objects. I don't make a sound, which is a near-miracle.

I saw a lumpy shadow by the sink. It was writhing around pretty strangely. I paused and cocked my head at it, bewildered. It looked way too big for one man, the shadow.

'Mmmmpgh…' it moaned.

I flicked open a switch, trembling from head to toe.

Instead of a slimy monster from the depths of hell come to retrieve my soul, it was Edward and Jessica, kissing and slobbering all over the kitchen sink, which was nearly as bad, if not infinitely worse.

MY EYES.

Well.

If you've walked in on two people getting it on before, you'll know how I feel. Usually, you feel more embarrassed than them. They froze like ice, staring at me. Jessica was sitting on the sink, with her legs spread wide open and Edward standing between them. They had apparently been doing more than just kissing, as Jessica's cotton pajamas (ooh yes, very sexy) were unbuttoned, her admittedly generous bust showing through indecently.

'Um.' I said intelligently, blinking rapidly. At least Edward had been standing between her thighs instead of kneeling between them. There's just some things that aren't meant to be seen. Though I get the feeling that if I'd barged in a few minutes later I'd be witnessing that now. Thank God for small mercies.

Jessica squeaked and hurriedly closed her thighs and clamped her fingers around her collar. 'Betty!' she squealed, blushing.

Edward was more composed, though his cheeks were flushed. 'Sorry you had to see that.' he appeared to have lost his top buttons, too, and I couldn't help but stare at his perfectly sculpted neck and perfectly square jaw and perfectly tousled hair and perfectly…

Yeah well, you get the drift. The man is dreamy.

'Yeah, me too.' I sighed, lowering the golf club. Edward stared at it. 'What -' he began.

'I thought you two were robbers.' I said weakly. 'I'd best be going now. I'll leave you to get back to whatever you were doing.'

Before they could say anything else, I quickly left the kitchen, went up to bed and spent the rest of the night wondering just why men married bitches.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Heeheehee.. I should be studying right now but I simply couldn't concentrate… you know what's funny? The fact that I seem to update more when there's exams right around the corner.


	10. The One Where Bella Gets Pink

**Author's Note: **Sorry I took so long to update! Here's chapter 10! Oh, and I have a special request at the end of the chapter, make sure you read it (:

* * *

**Bella's POV**

It's a brand new day and I'm in the shower, humming Madonna's "Like A Virgin" as I methodically scrub myself all over. The kids are already at school - Tyler, Lauren and Katie managed to catch the bus, the rest I sent to school on time - I hope they've learnt their lesson.

I let out a series of snorts. Yeah, and Michael Jackson is normal. Keep dreaming, Bella.

The thing is, they've been reasonably compliant the whole morning, which is actually making me more nervous. It feels like the calm before a great big dirty storm, you know? Not a very pleasant feeling. I observed the small bathroom suspiciously, keeping my eyes peeled for any tricks or booby traps they might have set up. Take this loofah, for example. They could've slipped something radioactive in it so that my skin would peel off bit by bit if I used it. Or the showerhead could suddenly start spewing milk and orange juice any moment now.

Squeezing a generous amount of shampoo onto my hand, I quickly lathered my frizzy hair - I hadn't blow-dried it in days, there's virtually no time - and cold water ran down in rivulets down my pale forehead. It felt undeniably relaxing. My scalp suddenly stung mildly. I frowned, scratching it. Weird. The stinging continued. I ignored it, probably not very wisely.

Grabbing a loofah, I scrubbed my extremely-hairy-because-I-haven't-shaved-for-days legs, vowing to get a razor the soonest I could. Just because I had to take care of those kids didn't mean I had to walk around with legs like my old, spinster German teacher, right?

Scrub, scrub.

Lather, lather.

Wash, wash.

I stepped out of the shower, sighing and writing, "Bella Swan" idly on the fogged up mirror opposite of me. A nice shower sure did calm me down. I let my finger wander unconsciously for a while. When I snapped back from my mindless reverie, I saw that I'd drawn an unmistakable diamond ring on the mist.

Cheeks on fire, I quickly wiped it away.

I'm not jealous.

I'm _not _jealous.

Okay, fine I was a _little _bit jealous of that beeyotch. Who could blame me? She was marry Edward Cullen, for Christ's sake! Any woman would gladly trade in anything they had just to _touch _him and soak up his perfect manliness.

The diamond ring faded away.

I toweled myself dry, looking at myself in the mirror. My scalp was still stinging. I grabbed a hairdryer and quickly dried my damp locks. It was already nine o' clock, and my stomach was rumbling; I hadn't had any breakfast yet.

Hmm. That's odd.

The drier my hair got, the stranger it looked. The itch was getting worse. I dug my fingers into my warm scalp, frowning.

The hairdryer continued blowing.

My eyes widened in horror.

My grip on the hairdryer slackened and it tumbled with a loud crash to the marble floor, sputtering out.

I clutched my hair in shock.

My hair is pink.

The whole thing is pink.

PINK.

P-I-N-K.

My eyes weren't playing tricks on me. It was a bright, lurid, bubble-gum, sickeningly sweet shade of pink. Not a single trace of brown was left.

I have no idea how long I stood there, completely naked and repulsed, staring at my mirror. Right. Calm down, Bella. It's pink. So what?

I grabbed my shampoo, unscrewed the cap and poured the whole thing down the sink. It didn't look any different than it did, yesterday, but I didn't care. I was trembling with rage. Those fucking kids. _Those fucking kids._

They could mess with worms, they could humiliate me in a hypermarket, they could aggravate me all they want, but no. One. Messes. With. My. Hair.

Behind all the rage, I had to admit, I had a little modicum of respect for them.

But it was mostly rage.

--

I'd decided to just go along with the flow.

I'd originally wanted to shove it all underneath a cap and pin the rest up with a bucketful of bobby pins, but why kick up a fuss? It was what they probably wanted, anyway. As if I was going to give them any satisfaction out of this. No way. Two can play at this game. Eight against one is a little unfair though.

When I'd picked up Larry, Tim, Tom and Emily from their school, I'd acted normal, as though nothing was wrong. I gave each of them sunny smiles as they hopped in the SUV. 'How's it going?'

'Your hair's pink. It's ugly.' Emily said simply.

I gritted my teeth. 'Thanks. That was nice.'

'Don't try to be nice, please.' Larry advised me, grinning. 'It only makes you look weak and stupid.'

'Oh, shut up.' I snapped. They giggled nastily in response.

--

**Same day, 4.12 p,m.**

Jessica rang the doorbell around four when I was sitting in the huge TV room, gawping at the TV. Lauren, Katie and Tyler had already returned from school, and they were, as per usual, upstairs doing their own stuff while ignoring me. Just the way I liked it. True, Lauren and Tyler had laughed their asses off when they saw my pink hair but I'd ignored them,

'What is WRONG with your hair?' Jessica had demanded, the first thing she said when she saw me standing in the doorway. Her own hair was twisted up into a beautiful chignon, all glimmering and glistening in the late afternoon sunlight.

I wish I didn't have hair-envy. The last thing I wanted to do was be envious of anything Jessica possessed. Especially her diamond ring.

'Well?' she repeated.

I hesitated. Should I tell the truth?

'I wanted a change.' I said reluctantly, not sure exactly why I was protecting their asses. The kids, I mean. Some motherly instinct kicking in?

'Change it back. It looks terrible.' she said shortly. 'And completely unsuitable for a woman your age. It's unsightly, Brianna.'

I was barely thirty! God. She made me sound like some arthritis-ridden grandmother, sitting in a rocking chair, doing her knitting and complaining about "kids these days". She was barely older than I was, and here she was acting like my goddamned mother. And I wasn't even going to mention my name anymore.

'I will.' I said with barely suppressed anger. God, what made her so anal?

'Where is Lauren and Katie?' she asked me, shucking her coat and placing it in a cupboard in the hallway.

'Upstairs.' I flopped down on the couch again, deciding to ignore her.

Stupid Jessica and her fantastic hair.

--

**Kid's POV**

Lauren looked up from _People Magazine_. Someone had knocked. She groaned, ripped off her iPod earbuds, flicked on a light and walked over, opening the door. 'Yes?'

Jessica, her (Lauren couldn't even say it without bile rising up in her throat) soon-to-be-stepmother, was standing in the doorway, untwisting her hair from a tight, formal bun. 'Lauren.' she gave her an equally tight smile, looking as though she really didn't want to be here.

_Well, why didn't she just fuck off, then? _Lauren thought, irritated. _Get out of our lives._

'What?' she asked warily.

Jessica gave her a cursory look and blanched at the skimpy tank top she was wearing. 'I hope you're not wearing that out in public, Lauren.' she said, frowning.

Lauren rolled her eyes, not caring in the least. 'What do you want?'

'I was wondering…' Jessica's sharp eyes glanced into Lauren's room. 'May I come in for a moment?'

Lauren grudgingly relented, opening her door and allowing the woman to enter. Jessica stood in the middle of her room, glancing at her belongings, taking everything in. Her hi-fi stereo in the corner, the turquoise bra casually flung over the back of a chair, her Apple Mac. She looked so out of place standing in the sea of Lauren's personal belongings in her black pinstripe suit and awkward that Lauren almost laughed. Almost.

'As you probably know, Lauren, I'm going to be your mother in a few more months -' Lauren cringed. '- and I'd like to take to opportunity to get to know you better.'

Lauren blinked. She definitely hadn't been expecting this.

'Are you free this afternoon?' Jessica asked, shuffling her feet.

Lauren shrugged. 'More or less.'

'Would you like to follow me to purchase my wedding dress?'

_What kind of person says 'purchase' instead of 'buy'?_

Lauren looked at Jessica. Properly, this time. At least she was making an effort to get closer to her soon-to-be-step kids, you couldn't really fault her for that. But shopping with her would definitely be uneasy and awkward; she didn't know her at all.

_Say no, and be a difficult kid, _her conscience was urging her.

Instead, Lauren said a simple, 'Yes. But can Katie come along too?'

--

**Bella's POV**

Thump, thump.

I turned my head lazily. Jessica had returned. She briskly walked down the stairs and put on her jacket, heels clicking like mad. Katie and Lauren were close behind, both looking very reluctant. Huh. I wonder where Jessica was taking them?

'Bye bye.' I gave her a wave.

'I want you to come along, too.' Jessica gave me a sharp nod. 'We're shopping for wedding dresses, Bethany.'

'Wedding dresses?' my jaw dropped. 'So soon?' Seriously, the proposal was yesterday, woman. Slow down.

'You might not know this, Bethany,' Jessica kept her voice quick and curt. 'Our wedding is only seven months away. I'm already late as it is. My wedding planner urged me to get a wedding dress immediately.'

Katie and Lauren looked less than pleased to have me along.

My heart sank. I loved wedding dresses. They looked so floaty and dreamy hanging there on their respective shelves. I've always wanted to actually try one on. The silk ones and the taffeta ones and the velvety strappy ones and…

'I'm coming.' I said automatically, lifting myself off the couch and brushing imaginary lint off my pants, looking at Jessica coolly.

Lauren let out a groan.

--

It's been TWO HOURS and I am bored out of my mind.

I knew it was a mistake coming along. All me, Katie and Lauren get to do is sit down on this fluffy red couch and tell her what we think of this dress and that dress. I had no idea a wedding dress boutique could house this many dresses.

'How about this one?' Jessica stepped out of her dressing room, assisted by a mousy-looking shop assistant, whose face was already red and perspiring entire seas.

'Ugly.' Lauren didn't even look properly at the dress, she simply waved her fingers dismissively at her almost-stepmother, face creased in distaste. She'd sat as far away from me as possible on the couch, as though I smelled like a half-rotten, seven-day-old corpse lying in a ditch.

Jessica tried not to let her annoyance show, I could tell. 'Katie?'

'It's fine.' Katie said, her eyes closed. She'd said, 'It's fine' for the last twenty dresses.

I was impressed by Jessica's apparently limitless patience. If I were her, my hands would be wrapped around both their throats right now.

'The least you two girls can do is give me some feedback.' she'd said, irritated.

'The neck-line's too high.' I offered.

Jessica ignored me.

The nerve of her!

Jessica sighed, thrust her fingers through her head of curly hair and turned around in her dress. It was beautiful; all floaty silk and gauze, with a few beads sewn here and there. I could just imagine her, rosy-cheeked and happy, walking down the aisle where an immaculately gorgeous Edward Cullen would be waiting.

Argh. I really _was _jealous.

Pathetic little Bella.

Jessica disappeared inside the dressing room again. I could hear loud rustling and thunks. 'Ow!' her muffled voice echoed from inside. I sniggered. Sighing and having nothing else to do, I looked around the boutique Jessica had brought us to. I'd actually made a few pedestrians stop and gawp in front of the windows when they saw my hair.

It was light and airy, with creamy beige walls and fluffy white wall-to-wall carpeting. Nothing special. I slumped back into my seat, humming a tuneless song. Lauren shot me a dirty look, and edged further away.

Damn, this really is boring. Who knew shopping for wedding dresses took virtual eons?

I looked to my right. Katie, hunched over in her hoodie, hands shoved into her pockets, was looking at a particularly magnificent wedding dress on the rack opposite of her. To my immense surprise, her face actually showed longing.

Maybe she was a closet wedding enthusiast like me?

'Hey.' I nudged her, and she jumped slightly, tearing her eyes away from the dress.

'What?' she asked shortly.

'You want to try on some dresses?' I questioned, smile spreading across my face. Beside me, Lauren shifted in her seat.

Katie looked down. 'No.'

'Come on.' I stood up, stretched a little and plucked the dress Katie was looking at earlier off it's hanger and dangled it in front of her face. 'It looks nice, doesn't it?'

Katie looked away, grunting.

I was disappointed. Well, what did I expect? That she would spring up, giggle happily and try the dress on with me?

'Well, if you're not going to try the dress on, I will.'

I marched to the dressing room, shut myself in one, and began wriggling into the wedding dress, actually feeling some anticipation.

Two minutes later, I emerged out of the dressing room, posing exaggeratedly and pouting for all I was worth. Katie stared at me, lips twitching. 'I'm Bridezilla!' I stalked down the steps, turning here and there. The dress was far too small and I was itching up a storm in my behind but I was finally having fun. Sort of fun. If only Katie would join me…

Before I knew it, my foot had caught on the overly long hem of the wedding dress and I lurched forward, shrieking. I made contact with the floor, my entire body hitting the carpet with an all-too audible thump.

'Loser.' I heard Lauren murmur.

'Ow.' I muttered, lifting my head up.

Katie was clutching the sides of her body, laughing. I grinned, shook my hair out of my face, and stood up. 'So, would you like to join me?'

Katie hesitated for a while.

'Come on.' I said encouragingly. 'It's fun! Way better than watching Jessica trying them on herself, anyway.'

The corners of Katie's lips lifted.

--

'Oy, don't-- you're poking me in the eye-'

'Shit, I think I ripped this one-'

Katie and I, for some inexplicable reason, were huddled down on the floor of a dressing room, giggling and laughing uncontrollably. Tears of mirth were streaking Katie's cheeks. 'You look ridiculous!' she choked out, eyes screwed up in amusement.

I had to concede that I did look ridiculous. I'd chosen the most ruffled dress of the bunch, with an impossibly lacy neckline and freaking bows all over the place.

We'd been trying on dresses for the last thirty minutes, trying to keep our hysterical cackles and chortles down and failing miserably. I don't think I've had this much fun since… well, since I'd started working as the Cullen family's nanny.

'Katie! Bathilda!' Jessica's clipped voice appeared right outside our dressing room, sounding downright pissed. I sucked in a breath. Katie continued letting out snorts of laughter. 'Get out now! We're going home!'

I unlocked the dressing room door, legs feeling wobbly. My sides hurt like hell. They'd probably be sore in the morning.

'Yes?' I spluttered.

'We're going home, Bathilda.' Jessica looked at me, horrified. 'Are you trying on wedding dresses?'

'So what if we're trying on dresses?' Katie asked defiantly.

Jessica rolled her eyes expressively. 'Take them off. Stop acting like a bunch of babbling baboons.' she went away, hitching her purse over her shoulder.

I collapsed into giggles again. 'Babbling baboons?'

Katie placed her face in her hands and howled with laughter.

It was then that I knew we were both okay.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I know this was more of a filler than anything, so bear with me and please review! If you do, I promise there'll be Edward in the next chapter. A very concerned and sexy Edward. (: So keep reading!

Oh, and if any of you guys have any time, please go over to my profile and read my new story, **Klutzinator!**Here's the summary:

Bella is one of those pathetic, perpetually embarrassed poor souls who are destined for a lifetime of trips and accidents. So what havoc will Bella wreak when she becomes a waitress? Involves spilling piping hot liquids on a bronze-haired Adonis's crotch.

Heh, hope you're enticed! Anything involving Edward's crotch is sure to be entertaining, right? Review that too! (; Hope I'm not being too pushy.


	11. The One With The Wild Party

Prom.

Either you hate it, or you love it.

In my case, I hated it.

My prom was somewhere in 1996, so I was wearing this utterly nauseating, bright pink ruffled dress that clashed horribly with my hair and this gigantic, scrunched up ribbon-thing in my hair, wearing all too much makeup. I was scrounging through my mom's photo albums a few years ago and to my horror, my mom still had photographic evidence of me and my acne-ridden date. I secretly burned said photos, but I couldn't exactly burn away the memories. I still remember upsetting an entire bowl of punch and accidentally ripping down a few glittery Styrofoam whales (the theme that year was Underwater World - I know, I know).

Needless to say, it was a disaster and I'm still trying to forget Acne Boy slobbering all over me after the prom in the back of his beat up VW.

But all the memories (bleh) came crashing back when Katie came rushing home the next day, after we'd tried on the wedding dresses. Lauren and Tyler had straightaway gone upstairs after they hopped off the canary yellow school bus, but Katie ran over to where I was watching TV in the TV room, flopped down on the sofa next to me and announced her news, so excited she was practically hyperventilating.

'OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.' she squealed, bouncing up and down. I bounced along, laughing along.

'What? What happened?'

'MIKE NEWTON INVITED ME TO THE PROM.' she shrieked. 'HE INVITED ME - ME, OF ALL PEOPLE - TO THE PROM. PROM!'

'Prom?' I repeated, wincing at a sudden mental image of me smiling toothily, braces practically glowing, twirling around in my pink dress in slow motion. Eugh. Not a pretty picture.

She looked so damned excited and giddily happy that I just had to smile. Ah, teenagers.

'Mike Newton is, like, the hottest guy in school! He's a senior! And he asked me to the prom!! Can you freaking believe it? OH MY GOSH… I - I -' she struggled for words, hands gesticulating here and there, apparently unable to express just how momentous this event was.

My heart sank the moment I heard "hottest guy in school" and "senior".

Okay, don't get me wrong. I'm ECSTATIC for Katie. From what I can see, she's sort of stuck in Lauren's shadow. I mean, imagine being the sister of your school's first sophomore head cheerleader. Not to mention that Lauren is probably one of the most sought-after girls in school (I'm just making guesses here, but I'm probably right). And you're a rather scrawny, tomboy-ish fourteen year-old with a rather bad acne situation.

It doesn't make sense, of course. Seniors almost never ask freshmen out if they're popular and handsome. Especially girls like Katie.

'Have you spoken to this Mike before?' I asked. She must've heard the apprehension in my voice, because her face fell ever so slightly.

'Erm. No, not exactly. He never talks to me at all, actually.' she paused for a while. 'BUT I'M GOING TO GO TO PROM!'

Oh. This sounds bad.

'He just asked you out of the blue?'

Katie stopped smiling. 'What's wrong?'

I paused. Oh, stop being so pessimistic, Bella. It's plausible, isn't it, for the most popular guy in high school to be secretly in love and/or have a crush on a freshman when there's so many other hotter girls preening around?

There I go again. Sigh. I should be happy for Katie, I should.

'When's prom, again?'

'Next Saturday! Thank God. I'll need a dress. Where can I get a really sexy, pretty, breathtaking dress? You know any good shops? Oh wow, I hope nothing's going to go wrong…' she burbled on.

So I reassure Katie that nothing's wrong, and she perked up again, telling me all about how this Mike asked her out, while I tried to vanquish this uneasy feeling resting in the pits of my stomach.

Damn.

Why do I feel like this is going to turn out very, very bad?

--

**Kids' POV**

'Alright,' Larry puffed, wiping a bead of sweat on his forehead. Now that Tyler and Lauren were back, they could get with the meeting. He placed the Manual smack bang in the middle of the circle, and flipped it open.

'Make it quick.' Lauren was painstakingly painting her toenails a bright aquamarine, expression annoyed.

'I've called this meeting because we're getting desperate.' Emily told everyone, looking solemn and serious. 'Nothing we do seems to work.'

'Not even Phase 14?' Tyler asked, frowning.

'All she did was ask us to shut up when we laughed at her hair.' Tim said morosely.

'She's holding up well.' Lauren observed.

Larry turned to glare.

'What?? I'm just saying.' Lauren huffed, and returned to brushing aqua on her little toe.

'Desperate times call for desperate measures.' Tom quipped, proud.

'Nice one. Exactly what we're going to do, I'm assuming?' Tyler directed towards Larry, and Larry nodded his assent.

'So…' he flipped furiously, and unfurled a huge piece of paper. He ran his finger down the list, finally stopping at number 18. 'We're going to skip way forward and move on to serious stuff.' he said triumphantly. 'Let's see Nanny no. 26 be all mild and affable after _this!' _he turned the book around so that everyone craned in to see what Larry meant. All except for Lauren, who leaned back and looked glamorously bored.

'Oh. _Oh.' _a twisted smile formed on Emily's face. She grabbed the book and peered closer. 'This is good. This'll definitely work.'

'Hah! Good one.' Tyler high-fived Larry, and Larry returned it eagerly.

'What's 18?' Lauren asked, blinking slowly, eyelashes fluttering.

'What are you still doing with those stupid fake eyelashes on?' Emily snapped. 'We're home, aren't we?'

Lauren's head whipped around. 'You. You shut the fuck up.' she pointed with a flawlessly lacquered frosty pink nail.

Silence ensued.

Emily turned her head, trying to stop her tears of furious anger from brimming over. She stood up, brushed imaginary lint of her skirt and walked out of the room.

'Right.' Tyler said at last, breaking the shocked silence.

'18...' Larry cleared his throat, the back of his neck burning. He lifted the Manual and read out loud. 'Huge party at house.'

Lauren's eyes flashed. 'I suppose you want me to invite as many people as possible?'

Larry nodded enthusiastically, trying to forget Emily's stricken face. He'd have to comfort Emily later. 'As many as possible would be fantastic. Tell them to bring keggers or whatever they're called.

Lauren's eyes gleamed. 'Brilliant.'

'Tyler, you too.' Larry instructed.

Tyler nodded, telephone numbers already running through his head. 'When's the party?'

'Tonight.'

Tyler raised his eyebrows. 'So soon?'

'Desperate times call for desperate measures.' Larry repeated Tom's words, and gave a silent Tom a wide grin. He grinned back in response.

'So Tim, Tom and Emily will be upstairs, getting jacked up on sweets and candies?'

'Yay!' Tim and Tom cheered, already brightening up at the notion of Tootsie Rolls, cotton candy and chocolate.

'Yup. I've already gotten the sweets and candies, they're hidden in that cupboard on top of the sink. The jammed one.' Larry guffawed. 'This is going to be so awesome.'

'Aren't you supposed to be upstairs too?' Lauren asked lazily, lightly blowing on her toes.

Larry blanched. 'No way! I don't want to miss any of the action.'

Tyler chuckled. 'You're eleven.'

'So?'

'Fine, fine.' Tyler sighed. 'But no beer. And refuse anything powdery my friends might offer you. It's for your own good.'

'Right, I'll get started on the invites.' Lauren whipped out a glossy cellphone from her tiny shorts and her fingers tapped furiously. 'I want this nanny out as soon as possible. She's bugging me.'

'How so?' Tyler had reappeared with his Apple Macbook in hand and he started sending e-mails. Larry was interested, too.

'She's been wooing Katie over to her side.' Lauren's eyes never left the bright screen of her cellphone, but she was visibly agitated. 'Yesterday, when Jessica asked us to tag along while she tried on wedding dresses-' she pulled a face. '-the nanny and Katie were acting all pally, giggling around and trying on dresses together.'

Tim's eyes widened. 'Katie? No way!'

'Don't tell me she's downstairs talking to the nanny right now.' Tyler groaned. 'Rule number seven: never get emotionally attached. Katie should've known that - she wrote the rule herself. Katie's still with us, though, right?'

Lauren shrugged. 'Ask her.'

'She might try to stop us.' Larry said, deep in thought, brow furrowed and perplexed.

'She won't.' Lauren snorted. 'She's far too boneless.'

'Stop being such a bitch.' Tyler told his elder sister, frankly quite sick of her insults.

'Whatever.' she waved her fingers dismissively, picked herself up and walked away, still tapping on her phone. 'Seven tonight?'

'Yeah, dad'll be having that important dinner he's attending.' Larry informed them.

'It's all set, then.' Tyler smiled.

--

**Bella's POV**

'A meeting?' I repeated into the phone. 'You have a meeting tonight?'

'More of a dinner, really. So I won't be back until late.' even through the phone, Edward Cullen's voice still managed to sizzle. It was like listening to pure velvet, if that even made the slightest sense.

'So I'll be watching them until… what, ten? Eleven?'

'I'll be coming home somewhere around midnight.' he said this almost apologetically. 'Make sure the smaller ones go to bed at nine, okay? Prepare dinner, brush Tim, Tom and Tallulah's teeth… the standard procedure.'

'Right. Okay.'

I put down the receiver, thinking. How inconvenient.

I snuggled up against a cushion and turn off the TV. Katie's already gone up for a shower, screaming in sheer delight. She has a lot of energy, that girl.

I think I'll take a nap.

--

'Mmmpgh.'

'Psst. Nanny.'

'Mmmmmm.'

'Nanny!'

'Whaaa..?' I gurgled, shifting in the sofa. 'Get the fuck away…' I wildly wave my hands, but they don't hit anything. Both hands flopped down lifelessly again. They feel like lead, ugh.

'I'm having a party tonight.' the person whispers, hair tickling my cheek. I batted it away.

I opened my eyes, still half-asleep. Go away… stop bugging me. I lifted myself up a little, my vision a sleepy blur. I see a few blurry shapes, and a lot of piercing bright light. Stupid light. I want to sleep.

'Waliwarga.' I said cryptically, falling back on my blissfully soft cushion.

'Do I have your permission?'

'Hoity.'

'Oy, I asked you a question.'

'Cheetan Bhagat.'

'What?'

'Mendengar muzik.'

'Erm...'

'Jangan ganggu saya!'

'Can I have a party tonight?'

'Yes, yes…' I groaned. 'Let me sleep.'

I closed my lids. Muffled laughter. My hearing fuzzed over. I feel comfortable. Mmm. Sleep.

Zzz.

--

Bump. Ba-bump. Bump. Ba-bump.

Something is throbbing rhythmically.

It's really annoying.

I sighed, and turned over. Stupid kids.

Bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.

Muffled music filtered through. '…I wanna fuck you, but you already know, I wanna fuck you, but you already know, girl…'

What is _up _with kids and these disgusting rap songs with their equally unsettling lyrics?

My eyes snapped open, fully intending to go and tell Tyler to turn his stereo down. I turned around, and my jaw dropped.

If I hadn't been sleeping in the soundproof TV room I would've gone deaf. Outside, were hundreds upon hundreds of drunk and inebriated teenagers, dancing and grinding against each other for all they were worth. The music outside was so loud that the very thick glass separating me from the teenagers was vibrating.

Vibrating.

Oh my God.

Some random teenager with red dreadlocks came up and licked the glass for absolutely no reason at all, howling with laughter.

What the hell is happening? Am I still dreaming, or what? What the… how did I get here? How did all these _teens _get here?

I'm flustered, for a while. Then I walked up to the doors, yanked them open, feeling like I was in some alternate world.

The music was so loud I felt like my eardrums were about to explode. I could feel every beat in my heart. Seriously.

I looked around, panicking. I have to be in another person's house. Yet… the lamp those two guys are throwing looks awfully familiar. So does that cream sofa a girl and a guy are currently lying down on, entwined and making out very graphically in public, while a group of shirty guys actually _cheer_ them on.

Someone banged into me, and I stumbled, letting out an indignant 'Oy!'

The drunken and extremely angry teenager spouted a whole string of swear words at me before skulking off again, throwing a paper cup away.

People are gyrating and bopping along to the music, and there's so many of them that I can hardly move. I attempted to push them away, but the crowd was just too dense.

I was beginning to hyperventilate. I don't like crowds much.

Oh, my God.

I shoved a couple away and tried squirming through.

'Watch where you're going, fucker!'

'Stop _pushing_, fuck you!'

'Fucking hell, I'm standing right here, don't shove!'

'Fuck it, I'm leaving this party.'

I don't think I've ever heard so many 'fuck' words uttered in two seconds. 'Get out of this house!' I shrieked, my voice unbearably shrill and shaky.

A few people stopped dancing and they simply laughed. 'We've got another one.'

Another… what?

I tried to run away before anyone could hurt me. Oh God, I have to get out of here-

Before I can take another step, someone lifted me bodily off the ground while I screamed and kicked and struggled. 'Let me down-'

This guy's so tall I nearly hit a ceiling fan as he lifted me.

'I don't think so, oldie.' the huge guy guffawed. Oldie? What?? I beg to differ! I'm barely thirty, for God's sake-- don't -- no! Plenty of people stopped to stare and laugh as I passed by, accidentally kicking one in the face and knocking the bastard down.

'Don't worry guys, continue! I'll take care of her!' the guy who's carrying me announced. I hit my fist as hard as I could against his rock-hard back. I howled in pain - I think I ended up hurting myself more.

He brought me to a secluded closet under the stairs, whistling tunelessly.

'Don't you dare--' I yelled, but to no avail.

Before I know it, I'm shoved painfully into the cramped closet and I'm plunged into total darkness, though the music doesn't get any quieter. I breathed heavily for a moment. And then--

'Get out!'

Someone hit me on the head so hard I saw stars. Large, glittering, teasing stars that swivel around in front of me. 'What the--' I gasped, nearly passing out.

I clutched my head, heart beating faster than it ever has in my life. 'WHO'S THERE!'

That's going to hurt in the morning. I fingered the huge bump that's forming fast on my forehead. If I ever make it to the morning.

Someone sucked in a breath.

'Bella?'

I recognized the voice.

'JESSICA?' I said in disbelief.

'Yes, yes, it's me.'

There's a faint light filtering through the closet door, and I peered. I could just faintly make out Jessica, crouching in the corner, looking like she'd very much want to kill me there and then.

'What're you doing here??'

'I CAME A FEW MINUTES AGO TO CHECK ON THE KIDS WHEN I CAME HOME FROM WORK!' Jessica's screech is loud enough to hear above the music. Which means it's _very _loud. I don't think my poor ears can take it anymore. 'AND I SAW THIS!' she pointed outside.

'You mean the party?'

'No, I meant the scuffed carpet - YES, OF COURSE THE PARTY!' she thundered, dust shaking. I'm shaking too, come to think of it.

'I swear, I have no idea what the fuck happened!'

'LAAAANGUUUAAAGGEE!' she shrieked at the top of her voice, eyes wild and hair frizzed. I feel quite scared of her, to be honest. She looks like she's lost her marbles.

This is going to be a long night.

God help me.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Haha, wow. Review! Guess what - a few days ago, someone PM-ed me to tell me a girl had copied my story, Cullen International Corporation, word for word, on fiction press (dot) com/net (I forget). For those of you guys who don't recognize the website, it's this sister site of fan fiction (dot) net, where you post original fiction. She provided a link in her PM, and I visited the link. Someone had plagiarized my story, after all. Her penname was Fall Into Love, and she called her "story" Taylor International Corp. It _was _copied word for word, completely identical.

Except she didn't quite copy properly - she'd forgotten to change the names of my characters in some chapters and throughout the whole story it was switching between Bella (my fan fiction character) and Alexandri (her character).

The person who PM-ed me had been reading the story and she noticed this so she suspected that she might've copied this story from somewhere else. So, thanks to the power of the Internet, she searched around and found my story. So she told me, and I posted a review on the first chapter of Taylor International Corp, telling her I knew about her plagiarism, and all that.

I didn't know whether I was pissed or pleased that someone thought Cullen International Corporation was good enough to copy, haha. A few hours later, I checked back and saw that Fall Into Love (the author of Taylor International Corp) had deleted the story and changed her penname :O

Just a little story ;)

Review! Or did I say that already? (is too lazy to scroll up and check again)

Oh, and the whole party/without proper permission thing I borrowed from Yours, Mine and Ours. It's a pretty funny movie, and it was one of my favorite scenes :) the party one, I mean.


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